The Cerebral Mum

The web is rife with rumour and slander and innuendo and there are limits to what you can ever really know about the cyber-people you meet. Google, however, knows me. I mean - really knows me.

If someone types how to get your mate’s mum into bed (and, yes, someone did) Google knows that I should be his first port of call.

I am very pleased with my #1 ranking on such an important issue. There is just not enough information out there. If only my son were twenty years older this Googler could come to me for something other than advice.

As my poem about giant squids was probably not much use to him, I thought I should try fill the void and provide this fine young man with some of the answers he seeks…

Dear Googler,

Thank you for visiting my blog and I apologise that I did not have an answer ready for you. I hope this post can provide you with some assistance.

The first thing you need to ask yourself is whether you are qualified. I don’t mean in terms of your sexual prowess. Obviously, if that was the issue, you would have searched for how to get your mate’s mum into bed more than once. But would you make your mate’s mum’s list?

My friends and I have invariably divided up the entire universe of men between ourselves. In my university days, I got to have all the men over 6′1″, K got those under 6′1″ and A got all the blondes, irrespective of height. More recently (accepting the grand failure of my New Year’s Resolution to rid myself of this propensity), I laid claim to all bartenders and musicians while J had first dibs on DJs and bouncers.

This division of male assets does not strictly apply in real life when choosing a partner but you didn’t search for how to get your mate’s mum to fall in love with you so you need to appeal to her baser instincts. What does she have a weakness for and do you fit the bill? If you don’t, I recommend you check out her gal pals.

Secondly, searching for advice about this on the web does not bode well. It suggests a lack of social skills which could be fatal in such an endeavour. You need to overcome her scruples. While puppyish ineptitude could be enticing for the right mum, this may not be the case with the one you want. Seducing a mum requires the same skills as seducing any other kind of woman. As a general rule, women (in fact, people) like to be desired. A lot. And if you wish to break down moral boundaries, your desire has to be that much greater. If you cannot communicate your desire in a powerful way, you will be doomed to sleeping alone.

My overall recommendation is to get yourself a guitar. And possibly a band, but often the guitar will do.

I do not suggest this solely because of my predilection for musicians : If you are socially inept a guitar will hide this behind a perceived depth. (It might also provide you with a vehicle to improve your communication skills, but let’s just try and get you laid first.) If your mate’s mum is attracted to bad boys and rebels, the guitar will add a little edge to your image. If your mate’s mum is the more sensitive type, she might be drawn in by the appeal of the misunderstood artist.

This advice is just the tip of the iceberg, of course, but I hope that it has given you a place to start. Feel free to contact me with any further questions you might have. I wish you luck in your quest.

Sincerely,

cerebralmum

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