Nov 10
Questions…
I’m trying to figure out where to start this journey. I think I’m thinking too much. Then I think I need to think it all out of me, first. Once there are words, I can have a conversation with them.
What are my brains prejudices and assumptions? How does it filter the world for me? How does that effect my behaviour, my choices, my life? Where do they come from? Should I be thinking about specific events in my life? Should I be mining the past? Is that a map? Is that a mire? Is thinking a way to make a story for myself? I mean, a fictional story? Am I deceiving myself? Am I regressing? Am I finding other ways new ways to trap myself here? Am I wallowing? Should I just go walking on the beach and stop thinking? Should I just “behave” my way back to myself? Well, no to that last one. Reprogramming might look good on the surface, but I’m not Pavlov’s dog. I need to go inward. Or is that wrong too? I need to go outward as well, put myself in situations which will throw light.
I don’t know. I am thinking of these things: Reading old scribbles and dreams; just writing lists of words, whatever words come; feeling my way through archtypes to see which ones resonate now… Oh, I don’t know.
I wonder if I am twisting this process into another burden. I wonder if I am procrastinating. I wonder if I’m anywhere near the darkness. I wonder if there is anything in there at all. I guess that counts as a fear. That’s a big fear, actually. What if there is nothing there? What if I really am nobody? What if my remembered self didn’t contain all those potentialities I remembered? What if I have no convictions, no sense of purpose, nothing to say, nothing that is mine, or makes me me? What if those people who love me are wrong? What if I have no character or qualities that draw people to me? What if there is actually nothing about me to like in myself? What if I am just one big fake?
What if I am faking this? What if I am just trying to seek attention and make myself seem more interesting? What if I am just playing the victim?
But the victim of what? That doesn’t make sense. Why would I play the victim of myself? Wouldn’t that be circular? There is no question that this depression is my responsibility, so what is there to gain by crying, woe is me? Isn’t that circularity of thought evidence that there is some defense mechanism at work, something inside of me, that doesn’t want me to ask questions? Self-doubt is a form of protection.
Protection from what?
Am I scared of people? Why am I anxious? Do I want to be liked? Why would I desire to be liked when I know that is such a negative desire? Do I want to be seen? It’s my job to see myself. Do I want to be seen through? Do I want to be perceived as I perceive others? Do I think that is a gift everyone receives but me? Do I want to be understood? By someone else? But it is my job to understand myself, not anyone else’s responsibility. Why would I want that? Do I just feel disconnected?
Why do I feel disconnected? What would make me feel connected?
November 11th, 2007 at 7:23 am
My late second husband used to say, “Better out than in”. Crude but apt. Pouring it all out on the page like this is better than leaving it inside to fester.
Why do you see the desire to be liked as negative? I think it’s just human. If we distort ourselves and become inauthentic because of it, that’s another matter - human too, perhaps, but not advisable. So if we catch ourselves doing that, we know to start changing the habit; but the desire, I think, is natural.
And the desire to be seen and understood - as the Americans say, to be “gotten” - I think is fundamental. And it is one of the impulses behind writing. I always think the first impulse of the writer is self-expression, followed almost immediately by the desire to communicate.
It may not be anyone else’s responsibility to understand you, or “job” to see you, but I think it’s also natural for us to take an interest in each other, seek out the like-minded, form friendships and alliances…. It accounts for everything from celebrity culture and personal gossip to the desire to read fiction and the experience of falling in love.
I remember feeling disconnected, having had more than one “nervous breakdown” in my past. I didn’t like it much! Yet I am not particularly gregarious at the best of times; I need a fair degree of solitude in my days or I get a mite cranky. Solitude, though, is not the same as disconnection. That felt like being behind a glass wall.
I am the kind, my psychiatrist, pointed out, who breaks down quietly, continuing to go through the motions. People could fail to notice. So in the end I had to reach out. I got to a point where I couldn’t help myself and had to face that fact.
I don’t know what would make you FEEL connected, but the first step is to reach out to others, MAKING a connection whether or not you can feel it just now.
Everyone’s experience is individual and subjective. We can’t measure and quantify these things. So I don’t presume to say you are having a nervous breakdown, nor yet that you aren’t. I simply wouldn’t have a clue. And I think it’s irrelevant anyhow. I see you reaching out, by the simple act of posting here, and that seems to me an intelligent and positive step.
January 19th, 2008 at 8:43 am
I agree with Rosemary. It’s important to reach out. I tend to react that way when I’m feeling lonely, if I have nobody to talk to, be it at work or at home.
You are not alone. Many people feel the same way but are ashamed to admit it.
Sometimes we get lost in our own thoughts and feelings and everything feels like chaos inside.
For me, there is always a trigger. Be it fear, frustration or my own insecurities. Or sometimes the memory of a similar experience that didn’t make feel very good.
I sometimes tend to dwell too much on the past and that prevents me from moving on.
You might wanna try some activities like yoga that help you connect your mind with your body.
It really works for me… even if not 100%, I always feel better afterwards, calmer and more able to focus and analyze things more calmly.
Hope it helps.
Take care of yourself
January 19th, 2008 at 11:13 am
I used to have a place where I did yoga which made a big difference in my life, but there isn’t anywhere where I’m living now. I could do it at home, but it’s difficult with a small child. But no obstacle in insurmountable, I guess. I should try to find a way to make room for taking care of myself.
Thank you, Kuky.