Nov 29
A horrible hump of a day. And gossip…
So, today sucks. I shouldn’t be sitting at this chair, and I hate my blog. In fact, right now, I am finding it as excruciating as my back. Instead of feeling like this is a place to clear out all the negative junk in my head, I have succeeded in projecting my worm-eating mentality onto it. The move to cerebralmum.com, my Christmas present to myself, hasn’t helped.
In spite of the irrelevance of things like Technorati ranking and hit counts and click throughs the dive in those numbers have left me feeling a little alone. Like nobody wants to talk to me. I realise the utter ridiculousness of this but for some reason, I seem to care right now what everybody, and anybody, thinks of me. Even people I don’t know. Even people who are imaginary.
I don’t think this is a new phenomenon for me but it isn’t something I have always made myself a victim of. I used to be entirely oblivious to it. There is one thing that has slowly worn me down though, and that is gossip. I’ve been on the receiving end often and I don’t like it. In fact, you could probably say I’m afraid of it. In fact, I am probably so afraid of it that not only does what people have said about me cut me down but what people might say about me, or even think about me, leaves me frozen.
Right now, I worry that my posts are all over the place and this blog makes no sense, that this blog isn’t interesting, or insightful, or that it has no personality. I worry that by talking about such personal things, my opinions on particular issues are undermined.
Oh, she’s that poor little victim girl.
Oh, she’s depressed and has no perspective.
Vulnerability and authority do not go hand in hand in people’s perceptions, regardless of how commonplace those vulnerabilities are, so I worry about the image of me that is presented here. I worry about how divergent it is from my own self-image. I worry about how much fuel I am giving to people who will use it to diminish me, to reduce me, to misinterpret me. And yes, I know I shouldn’t.
But I do.
The truth is, I have always been misinterpreted. (Yes, everyone has, but hey… This blog is about me.) My self-image and the things people perceive have always been widely divergent. The things that are most central to who I am are my writing and my critical thinking and my exploration of human behaviour. Those things are my identity. Those things are not very visible to the human eye. So what is it that people see? And what do they talk about behind my back?
One thing that has always been “seen”, and caused much gossip, is my sexuality. Or some fictitious version of it, anyway. I have never understood why, but even when I was young, I was considered to be the girl most likely to “lose it” first. The truth is, I didn’t lose it until 2 months before I turned 20 and and at that stage, I had only ever kissed 4 boys, mostly under pressure. The truth is, my sexuality is more like that of an ice queen. I don’t think about it, I’m usually not aware it and I have never played with it as a way of relating to the world and the people around me. I was always, and I still am to a certain extent, sexually naive. In spite of that, I am frequently perceived as a slut or a vamp or a sexual predator. And boy, is that some fodder for gossip.
I have often wondered why I am seen that way. I don’t have the answer. Part of it is probably because of the way I dressed. I wore costumes, I played dress ups. I took pleasure in the artistry of the self the same way that a painter colurs his blank canvas. Perhaps some people perceived that “art” as pornography. Perhaps my lack of inhibition, my complete lack of awareness for the social rules of dressing, sent mixed signals.
Or perhaps beneath my naivete there has always been a certain “vibe” I was unaware of because I was sexualised at an early age. Perhaps beneath my strengths there was always that Marilyn Monroe kind of vulnerability, that little girl lost which in our society is seen as a sexual cue. I have often wondered about that.
Whatever it is though, it has been the basis of much gossip about me and I do not like it. I do not like being attacked by other women. It offends me, as a feminist. And it offends my sexuality which is extremely private and shared sparingly. And I do not like being made a target of the “hunters” which, as well as giving other women more cause to bitch, has always seemed vaguely insulting. What makes a man come on to someone they have never spoken to? What attracts them? It certainly isn’t Me. To be attracted to Me, you have speak to me.
And then there are the people who have been part of my life who have cherished an abiding loathing while I continued on, blithely unsuspecting, until someone did me the courtesy (kindly or not) of informing me of it. And the dirty looks, and the doors literally slammed in my face and the great, big gossip merry-go-round of twisted facts or completely made-up facts used to influence others to respond to me negatively, to view me negatively.
Some friends have explained this away as jealousy, but I have never been comfortable with that. It seems like such a reactionary self-validation. Really, how many people need to perceive you in a certain way in order to make you question whether or not they are right and you are wrong? How many times were those perceptions thrust at me like knives before I lost my blitheness?
I want it back. I want to be however large I am, even if it is too large. I want to dress however I dress, and talk about the things I want to talk about, oblivious to the petty stereotypes of people who lack imagination. I want to revel again in the artistry of self, without feeling like an offense. I want to feel confident in my vulnerabilities. I want to be comforted again by the truth of them, instead of hiding from them and fearing them, and fearing the people who feed on them.
Perhaps the history of gossip which has surrounded me, and the betrayals of trust, and the dishonesty of those who have spoken behind my back and left me defenceless should be deleted from the equation altogether. Actually, that’s not even a perhaps. They need to be deleted. I need to escape from their clutches. But while I have said that I am arrogant time and time again, I have never been arrogant enough to comfortably say that I am better than someone else.
Why do I even think of it that way? That is not critical thinking. It is not arrogant to say that you know better than anyone else the truth about yourself. So that is one wrong thought process gone. But what else traps me there?
Injustice. Gossip is unjust. I rail against it and that leaves me arguing in circles with clouds of myself which slowly scatter from the gusts of a hollow, echoing wind. It is hard for me to let that go. To let injustice stand. I am the type who would stand silent in front of the firing squad. I really am. I am a martyr type. I would die on principle. When principles are so deeply offended, how do you let them go?
And another trap for me? The fear of hurting others. If my mere existence reduces people to maliciousness and cowardly attacks, aren’t they defensive behaviours? What are they defending themselves from? What is it about me that hurts them? I don’t want to be responsible for other people’s pain. Perhaps it is the martyr in me again, but how do I resolve my conscience with another person’s pain, regardless of how destructively they wield it?
Riddle me that.
Then perhaps I’ll find a way to no longer victimise myself with the gossipers’ mirages.
This post is a Hump Day Hmm, very appropriate for someone who hates their blog right now. This week’s subject was The Gossip Game and, strangely enough, I like my blog better now I’ve written it. If you want to take part, visit Julie Pippert and follow the instructions. There’s a new topic every Wednesday.
November 29th, 2007 at 2:59 am
I can’t get beyond the idea that gossip is simply a product of small minds. People who gossip need to find something else more valuable to do with their time. The fact that it is commonplace doesn’t make it acceptable. It’s destructive and mean-spirited.
As you can tell, I just lack tolerance for it. I don’t want to hear it or participate in it.
November 29th, 2007 at 3:07 am
Welcome to what I am finding to be an increasing group of bloggers who have deserted familiar and pageranked hosting blogs to strike out on their own on their own domain. It helps to know I am not alone in making this bold move - not sure I would have done it if I had realized it was a bold move though
Good luck with your new domain. I also wish you all the best for your journey through depression. It is certainly worth fighting to get to the end of the journey - there is a much better one that follows.
November 29th, 2007 at 4:04 am
First…out of curiosity and none of my damn business-ness…do you talk about yourself like you do about your blog?
I ask because I tend to get all down on my blog when I am all down on myself. My blog is probably the most ME extension I have right now.
As for gossip…I’m not a fan, as you probably guessed. Why people pegged you as sexually loose is probably because they figured if you tossed other rules out the window—such as dress—you’d toss that one out too.
It’s a leap of illogic but not too many people take the time to worry about things like that.
It sounds like you have been struggling to define yourself and your life on your own terms while still measuring yourself against the yardsticks of others. Or maybe I am projecting.
Regardless, I think you and your blog both sound very cool and I have my own domain and have not managed to motivate myself to move over to it LOL, so I admire that you have taken that step.
Julie
Using My Words
November 29th, 2007 at 5:16 am
Just wanted to let you know that I read and enjoy your blog. But beyond what anyone else things, you need to write for you - not for anyone else. Don’t worry what others think (easier said than done, I know).
November 29th, 2007 at 11:22 am
CHANI, I think that it is definitely small minded, but are small minds the result of fears and insecurities or laziness and schadenfreude? I’m not sure that I can ever know. I find it hard to just write people off, especially knowing how flawed I am myself. How flawed we all are. I guess in the end, regardless of motivations, my succumbing to it is just enabling them and they are not my responsibility anyway. I take on too much responsibility for the whole world.
SUEBLIMELY, thank you. It is wonderful having your own domain. I really am glad I moved, and I haven’t even begun yet to do what I now can with this blog. So I’ll keep working at it, and at kicking this depression.
JULIE, curiosity is a great trait so don’t worry about the “none-of-my-business” stuff. I’m pretty much a damn-the-consequences-open-book. Or I used to be. And I am trying to be again. I always did like the beat of my own drum. Time to stop caring how it measures up as music. And, yes, start talking to myself more kindly. As for measuring myself with other people’s yardsticks, I think the thing I am most angry at myself for is letting so many voices into my head that I can no longer make sense of them. But I did that, which means I can fix that. I will slowly untangle all these threads.
ENOLA - I know and I appreciate it. I think worrying about what others think about me is a way to avoid facing how I think about me. It’s all easier to say than do. But, right at this second, I think I am doing it. I’ll find my way through.
Everyone - Thank you!
November 29th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Gosh people can be really hurtful can’t they? Why do we have to be so hurtful to one another? Do we somehow think it makes us a better or more superior person? *sigh* It just makes me sad. What a wonderful world we’d live in if people put the same energy into being kind as they did into being hurtful.
November 29th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Hi, just a few lines to let you know I’ve been reading your posts but have been a little too overwhelmed to find an adequate response. Particularly interested in your thoughts on beauty and the negative response of some women… might exploit some of it for my fantasy fiction - http://myloveslabours.blogspot.com/
Some general remarks on gossip though - much of my reading has suggested that gossip is a pretty universal phenomenon, and none of us are exempt. I suspect we’ve all felt the thrill of hearing a bit of goss about people we know, though the more intellectual you are, the more you can pass it off as fascination with yet another revealed and unpredictable aspect of the human condition. In “Religion Explained’ the anthropologist Pascal Boyer argues intriguingly that gods and ancestor spirits are a kind of solution to the questions raised by gossip and scandal. We’re interested in gossip and scandal because we’re constantly measuring ourselves, morally, against others, and there is no end to that measuring, no final measure. The gods and the ancestors, though, provide that final measure. Gods aren’t interesting to us because they know everything, but only because they know, and are profoundly interested in, everything that’s important to us, all the issues raised by gossip and scandal. They provide the circuit-breaker. So I suggest if you want to give up on goss, put your trust in God.
All this is a bit far removed from your posts, I admit. Of course a lot of gossip is grossly unjust, but the best of it, if i can call it that, is a groping after justice according to one’s own lights. Though almost always, considering the scanty info available, it’s best to keep silent and reserve your judgment.
Keep on posting, I’m been feeling a bit down myself lately, and even a little bit of that energy goes a long way.
December 3rd, 2007 at 10:08 am
Hey, sorry I am so late dropping by this one, it’s been a very hectic week.
How do you let things go when principles are so deeply offended? I keep managing to do it and yet I am still not sure I can explain how to do it. I guess something that I have done is to stop allowing others to have such an impact on me or my life. It works most of the time, but then there are times it doesn’t work and I find myself shaking with anger.
I get gossiped about plenty in the scambaiting communities I no longer belong to. It seems that my once presence there was enough to cause an earthquake of major proportions that affected everyone and they cant seem to stop talking about it. I’ve become an “event”. Like a virtual Tsunami. For the most part I have no idea what they’re saying now and I certainly am well past caring. It used to hurt me a lot. I used to care plenty. It’s a matter of building up that wall so those hurtful things can’t get through.
Cheers,
Snoskred
December 4th, 2007 at 10:47 am
Sorry that I’ve taken a while to respond.
Lightening, I wish people put more energy into that too.
Stewart, once again, I need to write an essay in response to that one! I’m getting way behind.
Snoskred, I’m beginning to think that that “wall” which stops the hurtful things getting through is actually made of people. My world has been depopulated for quite a while and I think even introspective people like me need to feel connected. I know it’s a truism, but “man is a social animal” and “no man is an island”.