Dec 06
Checkmate…
I don’t even know what to do any more. And I don’t even want to write this. I want to be doing a million trivial things but I can’t get a grip on any of them. I am physically restraining myself, sitting here, but I don’t know that I would be able to get these bees out from under my skin even if I let them go.
I don’t know how to deal with this. It’s different. It’s not like in the past when I had big, big pains too large to be held in; pains that I released in writing, that I cut out of me, literally and figuratively, that I starved and binged and purged myself to control. All of that made sense and none of this does. And it was so long ago. And nothing I learned seems to fit.
More and more, I begin to think that there is something “chemical” going on. It is not outside the bounds of reason, considering my previous lifestyle and a pregnancy. Maybe it is that simple. Then again, what is simple about that? I don’t like things I can’t understand. I don’t like feeling as though something is out of my hands. It makes no sense to me, philosophically. I can’t unify the knowledge of the biological nature of human thought (what little we have) with the metaphysics of it all.
I can’t let go of my ultimate responsibility, but I can’t avoid the knowledge that I cannot be right or be wrong. I cannot make a moral choice. So this is checkmate.
Oh, I know that the two are not sliced so cleanly. I know. Normally that knowledge comforts me. It removes the basis for all those ignorant hatreds in this world, removes the rights and lefts and radical oppositions. But it leaves more difficult philosophical questions in its wake. The same questions, yes, but the paths extending from them are multiplied and too entangled to unravel. Has anyone unravelled them? Are there any philosophers left?
I read an opinion the other day which I objected to.
A woman is not born a woman. She becomes one.
It pissed me off, this cheap sloganeering that insulted women while pretending to make them free. I did not even recognise it as a quote from Simone de Beauvoir, whom I respect. It was out of context, certainly, but it is also out of it’s time. This brilliant thinker has been reduced to an anachronism.
I know when I was writing Polar seasons… the other day, I wrote lengthy passages about genetics and society’s poor understanding of it and the ridiculousness of the nature/nurture dichotomy given what contemporary science is learning. (I think I removed most of it. I’m not sure. I couldn’t proofread it clearly, and still can’t. I don’t know what I was saying. I am worried that I said something offensive.)
I truly believe the line between biology and experience has all but disappeared, that each part has a powerful effect upon the other, that what we are and how we live is so closely intertwined that we can no longer see these things divided.
But I don’t know what that means.
I have strong views about individual responsibility. My concept of it is the foundation of all my principles. I loathe what Kant called our non-age. I loathe what Sartre called bad faith. I loathe what I call abdication. I rebel against “the unreasonable silence of the world” and strive for meaning anyway, strive for Truth in spite of what will be my ultimate and necessary failure.
Biology confuses all of this.
What about this is the product of my behaviour and thoughts? What about this is illness? How much has illness created my thoughts? How much have my thoughts created illness? These questions cannot be answered.
Some people are ill. Some people know that they are ill, and they are qualified to judge. Some people are too ill to make that judgement and someone else makes it for them, rightly or wrongly. Some people make themselves ill and absolve themselves of their responsibility. Some people have a greater potential for illness but remain free from disease their whole lives. Some people set off the chain of disease by their choices. Some people are made ill by events in their lives which they have no control over. Some people…
No. No answers can be found there. If I am ill because of my own action, I must take ownership of it. If I am ill because of my biology, I must disabuse myself of my responsibility. Everything in between is unsolvable.
I cannot untangle it.
I cannot.
I cannot.
I cannot.
December 7th, 2007 at 8:43 am
I remember this sort of constant questioning vividly, a mind that would not keep still with questions and questions but never answers. I was fortunate to find my answer, a genetic cause for my depression. This had no bearing on the actual solution, although it did make me finally submit to medication. The constant questioning had stopped and I began to focus instead on a cure.I realized later that had been placing far too much blame on myself and this had been holding me back, reducing my self esteem and dragging me even further down.
December 7th, 2007 at 9:01 am
I read your comment and felt clearer and then I started writing an answer and all the questions started multiplying again. Intellectually I know that regardless of the cause, the solution is the same. But I just can’t resolve it with my need to understand. Self blame is a kind of control.
December 7th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Maybe it is simply something that you cannot understand while you’re going through it. When I was depressed nothing seemed to make sense, and I found the only way to start my way out of it was to let the trying to make sense of it all go.
It think it might be time to stop looking at the bigger picture, and focus in on taking the baby steps needed to get the heck out of there. Once you get out of there, that is when you can refocus on the bigger picture. But trying to do that while you’re deep in it will drive you up the wall.
So much of my problem was solved when I stopped trying to fight, stopped trying to solve everything myself, stopped allowing the constant questions in my head - and just put on some music and focused on the tasks I needed to do that day.
Cheers,
Snoskred
December 7th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
I’m trying.
December 7th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
Yes, Snoskred.
Another gem from my old shrink: “If your house is burning down, the first thing to do is put out the fire. Time enough later to figure out what caused it.”
(Figuring out what caused it does matter, to prevent it happening again, but it’s by no means the most urgent priority.)
December 7th, 2007 at 8:52 pm
CM - I know words are somewhat meaningless but I do hope you can make sense of it soon.I hope the dark clouds blow away.My Dh has been struggling with depression …and recently had a crisis,so the Dr increased his medications. I still don’t understand it fully. Great advice Snoskred and Snakypoet. Sue - your comment cast a lot of understanding too… the blame, low self esteem - that is spot on.
December 7th, 2007 at 11:57 pm
Thanks all, I’ve had a dreadful day, full of tears not yet exhausted. My second cancelling appointment was supposed to be earlier in the week but it got cancelled and hasn’t been rescheduled yet. I’m trying to get in to see my doctor next week. Maybe when those things are sorted, I will have some idea of what the hell I am supposed to be doing to fix this.
December 8th, 2007 at 12:19 am
YOU don’t have to put out the fire. You call the Fire Brigade. As you have done; so wait till they get there / appointments take place.
May I suggest you’re supposed to be gentle with yourself meanwhile? And that tears need to be shed, so go ahead and shed them?
December 8th, 2007 at 12:23 am
There is nowhere to cry in my sister’s house. Big Sis has no room for it, and I have no retreat when Caspar is sleeping in my room.
Ugh. I’m bad tonight. I should shut up.
December 8th, 2007 at 12:42 am
Aw s**t, that’s a problem! Under the shower is one good place. And silently into pillow. Not enough but better than nothing.
- The Voice of Experience.
(Or is it time for the hot chocolate instead?)
December 14th, 2007 at 6:22 am
Can you head out to somewhere quiet, sit in the car and have a good cry? I know this is not the same as being able to do so when you feel the most like it but crying tends to give you relief for a while so anytime, anywhere is good. Using breathing exercises for relaxation may be a substitute when you want to cry but can’t too. I found these best to learn when I was feeling reasonably good, practicing them so that when I needed them I was better at it. Quieting the thoughts takes practice too in my experience. I had to tell myself time and time again that ‘these thoughts are not helping me’ and try to stop them before they even formed properly. I had to become aware of even the littlest destructive or negative thought starting up. With time I did and learned to stop them in their tracks. I still do this. I learned that even the smallest fleeting thought could affect my mood and with practice learned to recognize them so I could counter them with something more positive.
December 14th, 2007 at 11:09 am
There would be “something chemical” going on. It’s a moot point whether a chemical imbalance in the brain causes this or is a result of. I have a dear friend who doesn’t like to take prescribed chemicals to correct the imbalance, particularly as when she did they caused other problems (she used to call them her “stupid pills”) - but she finds that St John’s Wort makes all the difference. Maybe you could talk to a naturopath? I don’t mean instead of the counselling, but maybe as well as? Just a thought.
December 15th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Sueblimely, I’ve done better than just get out in the car. I’m staying at my cousin’s for the whole weekend, where there is no mess, and there is space, and there are coffee shops and people and I only have to deal with daily things instead of my whole life all at once.
Rosemary, I hate pills too. I generally won’t even take a panadol. But I’m just leaving my mind open to whatever the doctor tells me When I get around to that. St. John’s Wort might be an option, but we’ll see.
December 15th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
I often see people who don’t want to take prescribed chemicals for depression. It makes me wonder - if they were diabetic, would they refuse the insulin they need to survive?
If the doctor says it is chemical and pills are needed, I hope you’ll make the decision to give them a chance, Cerebralmum. They can work wonders. I know, I’ve taken them when I needed them.
December 15th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
I certainly don’t mean to suggest you disregard medical advice! The chemicals can indeed be very helpful in a crisis.
It’s not necessarily an either-or choice. There are at last some doctors in Australia who understand about complementary (rather than ‘alternative’) medicine; even some who are themselves naturopaths as well as doctors. Only a few years ago they had to be very discreet about it in case their colleagues disapproved, but the old narrow-mindedness is gradually changing.
Of course, if you haven’t yet received medical advice, it’s a bit early to be considering the options.
December 15th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
I’ve already made that decision. If that is what required, that is what I will do. I’ve gone from seeing that as a kind of failure of my mind (which it obviously isn’t) to something of a relief, actually.