Dec 17
Why I left on Thursday night…
When the time to leave was nearing some of the usual panic set in. I scrabbled around trying to tidy up a little and trying to make sure I had everything I needed. Those voices just wouldn’t shut up; the ones that say everything needs to be perfect before I can do anything for myself, the ones that make me feel guilty for not crossing more things off the lists in my head. In the end I just left, Caspar’s bag well stocked and me without a jacket.
Ms. S, who I would be visiting on Friday, lives on the other side of the city, not far out but far enough to make it a daunting journey. My cousin lives in Elwood, not far from the suburbs I love living in and will hopefully be living in again soon.
Melbourne, in terms of size, is a massive city. The area it covers is roughly equivalent to urban New York but in comparison to New York’s 18.5 million inhabitants, Melbourne is home to only 3.5 million. Here, with so much distance between people, we rely heavily on our cars. And I don’t have one. Public transport is great if you live within the tram network but outside of that, you’re pretty much on your own.
By car it would have taken me 40 minutes at most to get to my cousin’s apartment. By bus, then train, then another train, it took me 2 ½ hours. That means a 5 hour round trip with a toddler in tow just to have a cup of coffee with my friends. It’s not feasible. This, along with my previous working life, goes some way to mitigating my sense of guilt about the way my friendships have dissipated over the years I have lived out here in this suburban wasteland. Now, with my limited energy and depressive exhaustion, at the very least I can be proud that I went anyway.
By the time I arrived, my cousin had gone out for the evening and I was too tired to go across the road and have some dinner at one of the many cafés. Caspar had fallen into a deep sleep anyway, not even waking when I took him from the pram and tucked him into bed, so I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but watch a television 4 times the size of my own and wait until my cousin came home or I felt the need to go to bed myself. Unsurprisingly, sleep wasn’t on the cards so I waited, studiously ignoring the voices which made me feel abandoned and alone and unloved.
My cousin arrived at about 11:30pm and I got Caspar up to see him and we had a long talk about where my life was at. It was then that my cousin told me to stay the weekend, to have a little bit of the life that I want for Caspar and me before travelling back to the suburb I feel so trapped in, both physically and mentally. And then I slept.
Well, I think.
December 17th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
Hello CM,
This is really the first time I’ve read your site… I found it on RSSHugger and for some reason it called out to me. Depression, in the past, has been a major problem for me as well. I just wanted to reach out, say hello, and give an ear if needed.
Namaste.
December 17th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
John, I’m glad you reached out. I wish there were less people in the world who’ve had to deal with depression but many who have are providing me with a lot of support now. Thank you for leaving your comment. I appreciate it.
December 26th, 2007 at 1:48 am
Feeling isolated does lead to depression. I like suburban living when my friends live close but to travel such a distance as you did makes visiting difficult. I live in the burbs now, most of my friends live in the inner city, seeing them regularly doesn’t happen. Most of the time it’s a phone call but as you know, a phone call isn’t the same.
Just wanted to let you know I know how you feel.
Austin
December 28th, 2007 at 7:39 am
You’re right, a phone call just isn’t the same. Hopefully, I will be able to make same changes soon, so that my people are not so far away. In the meantime. I have to try and make the effort to remake connections. Isolation is awful, but easy. Being connected is better and will get easier.
Take care, Austin.