Dec 11
And now back to miserable… or not…
I have had hellish days this week. Truly dreadful ones, and the worst of it seems to ebb and flow like a tide. I am so grateful that somewhere way back in the recesses of my mind there is a tiny voice that tells me the things that I am feeling are not real, or not rational, or not forever. Or whatever.
Because there have been hours this week when I literally wished I was dead. When I understood how people could be moved to disappear from the face of the earth. As awful as that feeling is, all the longing to just be gone, or injure myself, or…, there is a line somewhere in me that has been drawn and and I trust that those feelings do not have the power to hurt me. To drive me to hurt me.
That’s something.
In fact, that’s a big something. It doesn’t fix this problem, or any of the logistical problems of my life at the moment that leave me not just feeling trapped, but actually being trapped. But it’s a sign of some resilience.
And I can’t figure out what to do right now, with this blog. I want so much to make it a good one, but I’m all over the place and I cannot give it a coherent voice. Part of me wants to remove that little blurb in the sidebar and breeze through it as though nothing is going on under the surface. If I did, though, I would immediately feel out of control.
Another part of me feels as though that blurb is belied when I write about practical or trivial or abstract things. But I can’t help that I guess. So it is what it is.
If where I am right now breaks what I am trying to build, I’ll just have to build it again.
December 12th, 2007 at 4:20 am
You write well, and honestly. That makes a good blog to me. And I like the variety of subject matter. We know that emotional states ebb and flow; no less real for that.
December 12th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
Your coherent voice is the dance with depression - all over the place it will waltz you because that it the way it dances - that is coherent and normal for depression. Dance with it CM, don’t fight it, see where that waltz glides you - it’s okay, we’re watching and we’ll always call you back.
And…survivors are master builders. You are going to have the best damn dance floor out. Be proud of that because it is helpful to others learning how to dance too.
Mxxx
December 12th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
I just feel like apologising all the time, like I’ve invited people over for dinner and don’t have anything for them to drink. But.. wherever the wind blows me, hey?
Thanks and big, grateful hugs to both of you.
December 13th, 2007 at 12:49 am
A good blog is one that helps you. That you write for you to sort out things. That helps you release yoru feelings. So hang in there.
December 13th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Yes. And I know that other people exploring what they are going through on their blogs helps me as well as them. I just hate to be defined by it. I feel like I’m, being less than who I am but I don’t know how to find the balance.
I guess, This too will pass…
December 13th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
I think it’s the being ‘defined by it’ which makes me often write about other, more trivial things; sometimes it helps, but sometimes it can make me feel fake and then I don’t know what to write, which usually means writing nothing.
I’ve also accepted that mental illness will always be a part of my life, and this theme will run and run, but I don’t have to give it the power over me it once had. I am consciously trying (and mostly failing it feels like at the moment) to not make it the most important aspect of my life.
But this blog is yours, entirely yours! Make it do what you want it do, make it help, and may it aways reflect your original mind and big cerebral brain!
Px
December 14th, 2007 at 9:56 am
[…] a post from the previous host. In this case, I am proud, delighted and tickled pink, to bring you And now back to miserable…or not, taking centre stage at The Cerebral Mum of Australia (ohhhh, we Aussies are coming up trumps in […]
December 14th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
we used to and still do worry so much about what we put up on our blog and in review, so often we get more responses to those posts we consider less worthy somehow and people say oh we are so glad you wrote about that! we all need to hear some things from someone else, just we know we are no the only one with that perception or feeling, so just let it flow and know chances are you are reaching someone
peace and blessings
keepers
December 15th, 2007 at 11:49 am
Pomgirl, you’ve described so exactly how I feel. As soon as I read it, I just felt relieved. In exactly the way you’ve described, Keepers, I guess.
Sometimes it’s awful to hear that everyone feels the same as you but sometimes, when it’s from the right people and you can see real understanding, it’s the greatest thing. Thank you both
December 16th, 2007 at 6:15 am
Lately, I haven’t been spreading much Light on my blog either. I have chosen to be honest about who I am and where I am in my journey. Sometimes, that means wading in the garbage of my life as well. Christmas is not always a good time of the year for me. I miss that family that I never had growing up as a child of an alcoholic and as an incest survivor. Feel whatever is coming up for you and then you can heal it. I have tried ignoring, suppressing, denying my feelings in past years. Those things don’t work. Feeling the emotions isn’t pleasant but it is the only thing that you can do to heal. Reach out to friends. Talk about how you feel. It does help. For me, writing about it helps. Since I started blogging back in June, writing means putting it on my blog to share with others who might feel the same way or to share with others who may disagree. Sometimes when I am not very compassionate with myself, others leave comments and emails that help me to be compassionate with myself and others.
December 16th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
You’re right, Patricia: Ignoring, suppressing and denying really doesn’t work. The impulse to do it still lingers though. The comments here are all telling me that I don’t need to do it for everyone else’s convenience. I need to take that to heart and have a little more trust in myself, I think. Writing does help, but sometimes it’s scary too. Then again, doing things you’re scared to do helps as well.
I continue to be amazed by how generous and supportive the blogging community is.
December 17th, 2007 at 1:13 am
What can I add to the comments already posted, when they say so many of the things I’d say? You are so beautiful in your honesty and determination to give so openly and freely. All of you.
This blogging community, and that includes you,Cerebral Mom… has given me something I never found in nearly 65 years of searching.
When I was a child I identified with the ugly duckling… but somehow every time I thought I’d found the swans with whom I belonged, there was still no happy ending. I read voraciously as a child and adult, seeking a map or at least some direction to follow to lead me to that community where I’d be accepted as myself. Nothing more. That would be more than enough!
And yet when I found this blogging community the result was so much more than I ever imagined that could be.
After a life time of wondering, crying, even screaming, Why don’t I fit in? Why doesn’t anyone understand me? What’s wrong with me that I can’t be like them, and belong?
the answer comes at last.
The group of beautiful swans to which I’ve always belonged had no voice, no presence. We who were abused and neglected as children were invisible, individually and as a community, because the world of ducks convinced us we were too ugly to be seen.
Now they can’t keep us hidden. We see each other and say… WOW! Perhaps the ducks were blinded by so much beauty! Or maybe the ducks knew in their hearts, if they have any, that once we saw each other’s beauty, we would see our own, and once our own beauty was seen, we would also see how pathetic and ugly the ducks always were.
Now, through the honesty and determination to let others see us as we are…we’ve become so beautiful in our honesty and determination that we shine as beacons to the others still feeling lost and seeking their place to belong, to become, to be aware and to take care.
A Child is Waiting…
December 17th, 2007 at 8:53 am
TOUCHE to Nancy. Wow, Nancy, can you turn that into a post please so that I can send it to all my clients. Fantastic and so true.
I am interested by all the comments around not fitting and feeling cautious about what you say and do. As a therapist I also have been amazed and positively overwhelmed by the support available to survivors through the blogosphere. But, the anonymity of the blogosphere also allows for hurting people to cover their pain and wear the masks that society have made for survivors to keep on.
I say, do as Cerebral has done, take the mask off and dance the dance. It is through finding your own steps that you become free from the clutches of the perpetrators.
You woman are all just amazing and I am so proud, so privileged to have “met” you all.
December 17th, 2007 at 11:30 am
Nancy, I often think we are limited in who we are able to love because if we saw everyone’s beauty it would be blinding. Thank you for reminding me that I am part of this community I love as well. It seems silly, but I just never thought of that.
And yes, Megan, let’s all dance this Christmas, and on into the new year.
December 18th, 2007 at 11:37 pm
Of course, Megan…anything for you, I’m so pleased to be asked. And, Cerebralmum, how beautiful the idea that we would all be blinded by seeing all that beauty at once. Reminds me of the Chinese Brush Painting and Japanese Sumie’ concepts of trying to capture the essence because anything else would be impossible. Sometimes less is better. Somehow it does all come together. A flash of Georgia O’Keefe’s work with flowers… and the thought follows, maybe we were all fed another lie about somehow we were missing the forest for the trees when that’s exactly what we should have done all along? See the beauty that’s ours to see here and now, instead of looking for the big, important picture that hides so much? Enough…
A Child is Waiting.
Take Care…Be Aware,
Nancy
December 21st, 2007 at 8:42 am
“See the beauty that’s ours to see now”.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
March 19th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
[…] a post from the previous host. In this case, I am proud, delighted and tickled pink, to bring you And now back to miserable…or not, taking centre stage at The Cerebral Mum of Australia (ohhhh, we Aussies are coming up trumps in […]