Jan 28
A Serious 7 Random Things…
I was tagged by Child Person From the South for the 7 Random Things meme.
Last time I did it, it was fairly lighthearted but I think in order to respect the tags that have made their way to me this time, this one will need to cover some less fluffy details.
Number One
As a child abuse survivor, I don’t like to call myself a survivor. I think when I left home and began to deal with my childhood, the idea that I could be a survivor and not a victim was a powerful one, and one that helped me. But after a while it became something that felt restrictive as a label, that gave too much prominence to just one aspect of my history. It made me feel shrunken and defined, not just by myself but by the baggage of the assumptions people make when they know “what happened”.
I don’t want to be a “survivor”. I don’t want all my emotions and opinions and character traits to be seen through that filter. I want to be seen as a whole and not just a part. Whether I’m a survivor or not, it is just not all of me and it does not colour all that I am as a human being.
Number Two
I’m not sure that this counts as a random factoid, so let’s call it a random opinion: The result of child abuse is a powerful knowledge. It’s knowledge that is gained in the worst of ways, but it is gained nonetheless. I have the ability to recognise abuse, to recognise it in it’s early creeping, insidious forms: In the danger zone, where the dynamics of a relationship can, even without intent, become harmful. My instincts are finely honed. And I respect them.
I don’t think I can fully explain it in this amount of space, but if a child abuse survivor defines something as abusive which you can’t see for yourself, their opinion should be listened to as one of authority, not disregarded as an overreaction based of their personal history. Survivors are perfectly capable of distinguishing between their abreactions and their knowledge themselves. It is nobody else’s job to psychoanalyse them.
Number Three
And this leads us to something fairly obvious: I don’t like being psychoanalysed and I need to be respected. Those two things get in the way of me using the knowledge I have to help others and that seems selfish to me. I find it difficult to discriminate between my personal needs and a social obligation. I have not been able to find the defining line and I am pulled in opposite directions. I often feel guilty about it. About not doing enough.
Number Four
There is another dividing line I find difficult to define: I do not like the idea of Caspar ever having a step-father. This is purely theoretical of course, because at this stage I have no interest in having a relationship, but it is possible that this won’t be the case for the next 20 years. I’m not sure exactly how much this lack of openness is due to my statistical knowledge of the prevalence of abuse by non-biological parents, my own experience of abuse by a non-biological parent, my general lack of need for a relationship or my general parental protectiveness that allows no room for someone to take an important place in my son’s life without any guarantee that they will always be there for him.
The answer, of course, it that I can only make such choices if the situation arises, but I find it an interesting question nonetheless.
Number Five
I am not surprised by the prevalence of abuse but I am constantly surprised by people who read abuse statistics and disbelieve them. I won’t go into the statistical and data collection methods used because this is supposed to be about me, but leaving aside the big maths? All I have to do is add up how many people in my life - family and friends, young and old, male and female - who have been been victims of child abuse, child sexual abuse, who have been assaulted, beaten, or raped - to realise those numbers are not an overestimate.
Even taking into account that like attracts like, and that it isn’t surprising that my particular world would have an overpopulation of people who have had similar experiences and would talk about it with me, those numbers are not an overestimate. My personal numbers are far higher.
Number Six
Writing number five just then… I am angry. I’m angry at the level of ignorance there is about this issue. I’m angry at the head in the sand mentality. I’m angry at society’s inability to make the connections. I’m angry at the sensationalisation of the issues in the media which allows people to always see child abuse and sexual abuse as “Other”. I feel like ranting. I guess I am ranting. At who? I don’t know. But I still feel like smashing people over the head with some unpalatable facts.
Number Seven.
And writing number six just then… I feel powerless. No matter how I rant or what I do, I can not change things. Everything I know, everything I have learned both through experience and study, is useful only to help victims pick up the pieces. That’s something. But it isn’t enough.
It simply isn’t enough.
January 29th, 2008 at 5:26 am
I really relate to nos. 6 and 7. Impotent rage is what I experience- often. Even when I don’t feel it- I know it is lurking there - -
January 29th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
My brother and I had an abusive stepmother. One thing that kept me with my children’s father until they were grown was that I could not contemplate the prospect of them acquiring a stepmother. They had a lovely Dad - but so did we, and when it came to the crunch he didn’t protect us, so I wasn’t about to trust theirs in such circumstances. I was a most imperfect Mum, but at least I could trust me to love them and want their wellbeing.
January 31st, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Have you seen the new site set up by Megan of Imaginif and Leigh of All For Women? Teddy Tour http://www.teddytour.com.au Hopefully sites like this will highlight the issue and make people realize that the statistics are true.
February 1st, 2008 at 10:53 am
I hadn’t seen it, Sueblimely. Thanks for the link. Megan and Leigh both do some amazing things. I found it hard to read there, though. It breaks my heart.
Elizabeth, I think that feeling of impotence is the worst, and I know that I sublimate it because sometimes it is just too hard.
Snaky, I think that the same thing is operating in me. While it’s fine to take a leap of faith when it is only my own heart and my own self at risk, I just don’t think I’d could bring myself to take that same risk with my son. Not just the risk of abuse, but the risk of a broken relationship.
February 1st, 2008 at 3:41 pm
To “mamage” the rage - I read a lot- history and other - stuff ! I try to surround myself with beauty and beautiful things. I sometimes work- so I am too exhausted to feel anything- and take great slace in nature- and communibg with my many adorable purry rescued cats.Watching clouds is good too !
February 2nd, 2008 at 11:28 am
Yes, that private, peaceful time is important.
February 2nd, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Sorry about the typos- .Wanted to say- I checked Teddy Tours- what a super idea !
February 5th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
I make typos all the time myself. I have a plugin that allows you to edit your comment after it’s sent though, if you notice you’ve made an error. You should be able to just click on the comment. Teddy Tours is a great idea. And they’ve got a banner or a sidebar image you can use to link to them to, which I’m about to put up soon.
February 9th, 2008 at 5:24 am
You know, I just had a thought. I don’t usually think of memes as great posts for the BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE, but THIS post would be excellent! Would you consider submitting it?
February 9th, 2008 at 11:02 am
That is a really good idea Marj. I’ll submit it now. Sorry I haven’t been around much lately. Things are just nutty.
February 12th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I’m very sorry that you feel so strongly about your son not having a step-father. I know the statistics aren’t always positive, but in real life, there are definitely great examples of step-fathers whose influences are nothing but positive. All the best!
February 12th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Yes, come to think of it I had a hideous step-MOTHER but a perfectly gorgeous and wonderful step-FATHER whom my brother and I adored. Our own experience biases us!
February 12th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Stephanie, I agree with you, and I would hope that if such a situation ever arises in my life, I would be able to make un-prejudiced decisions. This is how I feel about it in theory now, but how often does “in theory” translate into our real lives?
And as Buffy says, “Love makes you do the wacky.”
February 12th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
See, I knew we were soulmates! Anyone who quotes Buffy… <3
February 18th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Right on! I am soooo with you on these points.
April 19th, 2008 at 7:30 am
I especially identify with “if a child abuse survivor defines something as abusive which you can’t see for yourself, their opinion should be listened to as one of authority”. I get a certain number of people reacting to my blog - which admittedly has a lot of very direct and scary-for-some statements about abuse - as if I must be crazy or something, or wildly generalizing, or wrong, or whatever. Most people are reasonable and smart about it and bring at least some measure of awareness, but occasionally people are like “my god, I can’t believe you think that, if you think that then you must think that EEEVERYONE has been abused.” Yeah, pretty much, why?
April 21st, 2008 at 12:52 am
Hi Danica - It is actually a very difficult thing to discuss, isn’t it.? Not on the basis of it being hard on those who have been victims, because many of us get to the point where we are perfectly comfortable and matter-of-fact talking about it. But it is, in some ways, a closed world. Many times, people will react negatively - their own defense mechanism against living in a world where this sort of thing happen.
April 21st, 2008 at 3:42 am
Re feeling powerless-
When I feel powerless(read-hopeless) - then I turn to something like- Karen Winner’s book- where the historical outline is given- on how the more vulnerable are/have been treated. This gets me to-I was born way too early- or- we are in a bad place- at this point in history- and then if I go and commune with animals- I can get to- (usually !) abuse is a mountain of sand- and I will do my part by moving one grain at a time. I need to know that others are doing the same- liker this site- there should be MILLIONS -going out now to move another grain !