Jan 07
Is it getting thin?
You might be thinking I’m referring to my lack of substantial posts lately, but I’m not. I’m going to talk about weight which, unless you’re saying the “right” things, is somewhat taboo. At the very least it is a subject which has been perverted beyond all meaning by politics and political correctness. I’m even going to tell you my weight. In fact, many of my weights. It’s changed recently.
When I got pregnant, I weighed 55kg. It was the least I had weighed since I was 14 and had ovarian cysts. Because of the cysts I was put on a very strong Pill and weight gain was the side effect of it. After that my weight averaged out at about 59kg. In hindsight, that’s a ridiculous number to be unhappy with but I didn’t like the way I wore it; all in the lower half of my body, still with a tiny waist which only served to accentuate what was below it. This made it hard to find clothes which fit properly and it made my legs, which have never been shapely, look like logs.
A high school friend, in passing, made a comment about my “smiley knees”. I have never shown them since. Changing schools in Yr. 11, a boy called me “Airport”, a term he thought described the width of my ass. You could land a 747 on it. Yes, that comment stuck in my mind too.
Those comments, however, weren’t the cause of the eating disorder I developed when I finished high school. No; my mind was already ripe for them. I was already hungry for weapons to use against myself.
When I was pregnant though, I gained 30kg. And I didn’t care. Only toward the end did I feel like a whale but really, does any woman make it all the way without feeling like that? I doubt it. That picture is me at 5 months. Apart from the fact that a slash of lipstick might have made me look a bit more “blooming”, I look awesome. And I felt awesome, in spite of being so often tired.
All those hormones really changed my attitude toward my body, not just intellectually, but subconsciously as well. They reprogrammed me. Although I’d had the bulimia completely under control for 3 years, I hadn’t entirely rid myself of all the obsessive thought patterns which were part of it. Why? Because those thought patterns are not just part of a disorder. They’re normal. I was just like an average Jane, who says out loud those numbers don’t matter but feels a little relief when they take a dive and a little shame when they go up.
While I was pregnant I decided that when Caspar was born I wouldn’t concern myself with “getting back into shape” for one year, that I would let my body find its own balance, something I had not allowed it to do for a very long time. That year was over on the 16th of October. I weighed 69kg, 10kg more than I did when that stupid boy called me Airport and 15 kgs more than the heaviest “goal” weight I had ever had.
On October 16th, after 9 months completely free from worrying about it and an entire year where I excused myself from judgement by numbers, it was the simplest thing in the world to continue trusting my body even though it was far different than the ideal i had carried with me for so long. And I have no intention of ever “getting back into shape”. Why would I?
Everyone is sexy. Everyone is attractive. It is an attitude. A state of mind.
A decision. Magneto Bold Too
I agree with that. I’ve stated as much already; at length, with science and psychology to back it up. We all agree with that, don’t we?
Or do too many of us just say we agree while invisible rats silently eat away at our self-esteem even as we mouth the words?
Right now, I seem to be getting thinner. I weigh 64kg. I did nothing to “achieve” this and I’m not going to let the loss suck me into trying to “achieve” more. Wherever my body finds its equilibrium is fine by me. But I do have a question for whoever is reading this.
Did you even once while reading through this list of numbers make the comparison? Did the comparison make you feel bad? Or good? Or angry? Or relieved? Or irritated? Or defensive? Or whatever.
Did those numbers that mean nothing suck you in?
I’d like to think they caught no one out, but I wouldn’t lay my money on it. As a society, as women, we have a long way to go. And I hope we get there soon.
January 7th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
64 sounds good. I weigh over double that. Oh weight. You posted yours in KG and mine is in pounds. Hmm…let’s see - my early morning math tells me I still weigh more than you. And that unless you are 5 foot and small boned, anything in the 50-kilogram range is far too skinny for you.
January 8th, 2008 at 8:22 am
You see, Enola, I wish none of the possible numbers sounded “good” (or “bad”) to anyone. I guess I wanted people reading this if they did make “the comparison” to think about why they did it. And why they shouldn’t do it. Because those numbers by themselves don’t tell anyone anything about an individual’s health. (Or their attractiveness, for that matter.) They are only meaningful in a small way at the statistical level and I wish that people didn’t feel like those statistics define what they (or other people) should or shouldn’t be. I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t write it well. I think I’ll write more about it later.
January 8th, 2008 at 11:47 am
A LONG time ago, I went to a women’s conference, held at Melbourne Uni. Let’s see, maybe the seventies or early eighties - anyway, at the height of “women’s lib” as feminism was once quaintly called. The vast majority of women there wore no make-up and weren’t dressed to conform to the feminine ideal that still prevailed. There were fat women, skinny women, tall women, short women, fair women, dark women (of both hair and skin), butch women, feminine women, old women, young women … and anything else you can think of, as well as everything in between. Infinite variety, multiplied. After a couple of days I lost my societal filter and started to actually see each individual - to see their great beauty, each as herself, and appreciate the variety of ways that women can be beautiful, AS WHAT THEY ARE, free of any so-called adornment that tries to turn them into something they’re not. It was a very wonderful experience.
The soft wrinkles of the older women’s faces were beautiful, the lean muscularity of the athletic women was beautiful, the gorgeous roundness of the fat women was beautiful. So was pale skin, and black skin, and coffee skin, and golden skin. So was the tautness and shine of youth. So was the way that middle age had everyone grow more into their individuality - whether becoming softer and looser of body, or more angular; gentler or tougher of face. And so on and so on and so on. The utter gorgeousness of women en masse, yet each so different from the rest, fair blew me away. In addition, it was freeing not to worry about appearances for once, knowing that I was sufficient as I was.
Then of course I went back into my life, resumed wearing makeup, watching my weight, and trying to dress not too unfashionably….
It’s not hard to see the beauty of others. Loving oneSELF, and seeing the supposed imperfections as ways of being beautiful - that of course is the tricky bit.
Thank you for the reminder, not only re weight but for me, also, ageing. I am going to look in the mirror with new eyes, thanks to you, searching for the beauty rather than the “flaws”.
January 8th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Oh no, I think you wrote it exactly well. But I’ve struggled with eating issues. and to me the numbers on the scale will always have a positive or negative connotation. It’s me. But as I did say in my comment the numbers are just one component - you have to know height, bone structure, age and so many other things to come to a “healthy” figure - and healthy is where I strive to be now. Not skinny - just healthy.
January 8th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
SnakyPoet, I thank you for that long comment. It’s so wonderful what we are able to see in others, but so awful that we can’t see the same things in ourselves.
Enola, thank you for replying. I was worried that putting the numbers in might upset some people but I also wanted to use them to make a point. I used to weigh myself at least ten times a day. Now, I don’t even think about it. But thinking about it constantly seems to be an almost universal phenomenon and that upsets me. And it’s frustrating. We try to support other women around us but so few of us actually lead by example. I’m not saying that I’m an example. I just want everyone to get of the train. I really do. It makes me cry sometimes, the things we do to ourselves.
January 9th, 2008 at 12:21 am
Yeah, I read the numbers - but I’m a yank and still haven’t got all the conversions straight. I have no idea what any of the numbers mean. In fact they don’t mean a thing. As you point out, sexy is a state of mind. I’ve met skinny girls who were horrified with how ‘fat’ they are. I’ve met morbidly obese ladies that are darn sexy and know it. And in doing so they exude confidence and charm. The skinny girl concerned about eating a carrot or two once a week has no esteem and is ugly. She’s not fat. She’s just not attractive.
All it takes to be attractive is to believe that you are. Weird huh?
Repeat after me - a bathroom scale doesn’t and cannot measure beauty.
January 9th, 2008 at 12:27 am
Yes. Repeat, repeat, repeat! I’m pretty sure most men see it the same way. I wish more women did.
Thanks for stopping by, Mike.
January 9th, 2008 at 2:31 am
This is a great post! (I commented before but I don´t know what happened to it - I must have pushed the wrong button. Doh!) As a Mum of 2 girls I worry about how to bring them up with a healthy body image and I posted about this back in October in a post called Glamour Girls. My greatest wish for them is that they grow up to be comfortable with themselves without worrying (or even thinking that much) about how they look or what they weigh, but just that they think about being and eating healthy. I don´t have a perfect body image, and yes, I compared numbers, but I wish I hadn´t. Unfortunately its second nature to put so much value on weight and numbers which are in most cases meaningless. I have just come up to a year since my youngest was born, without worrying about getting my pre-pregnancy body back and it was very liberating. I think most women are completely out of touch with their body´s natural weight - so many seem to be at one extreme or the other of starving themselves or over-eating, and no-one is listening to their bodies. I certainly don´t have perfect eating and exercise habits, but hopefully I can work on being healthy (and teaching my daughters the same) because that is really the only thing that matters.
And P.S. - you do look great in that photo because you look happy and comfortable.
January 9th, 2008 at 11:04 am
I know I would have had the same worries about this if Cas had been a girl. Of course, I’ll still be concerned about making sure he knows how to measure the real value of a person, and himself, but the pressures for boys are not nearly so great.
I think about that Dove ad that says “talk to your daughter before the beauty industry does” and then I look around in the world and wonder, how do you explain it to someone who can barely talk yet? Because the bombardment seems to be targeting younger and younger girls.
It is second nature to do it. My mother did it. My Oma did it. Somehow, we need to stop the cycle.
January 9th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Only last night, sorting through old papers, I came across the transcript of a session with a therapist where I remark that at the (then) age of 83 my mother had only recently stopped being concerned about my weight - regardless of what my weight was at any given time, I might add.
“It’s a kind of oppression factor placed on women from almost the time they are born,” said the (male) therapist.” He suggested that the way I feel, my body vitality and what I give in my relationships would be more of a key to my life than how I look.
And I recall an old item from a long-ago Reader’s Digest, about a woman who was such a man magnet that other women wondered what it was about her. She was “ordinary looking” apparently, and her wit, charm and personality were nothing special either. The men said it was (a) the fact that she obviously liked them - not in a seductive way but as people, and (b) the fact that she was obviously comfortable with herself.
January 9th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
As someone who’s eternally wrestling with these thoughts, it’s hard to juggle the disparities between what is ‘good’ and what is ‘right’ when it comes to arbitrary numbers on the scales. I was the same weight with pregnancy #2 at 5 months as I was the day I gave birth to #1.
And yet, as I sit here today, I am a good 15 kgs heavier than I was at my skinniest. A middle ground which is as fault-lined as the rest; pockmarked with regular doubt.
January 9th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Oh- I am in awe here that you could say such truth- thankyou and god I am so guilty!!! All it brought back was how my father used to tell my mum she was getting fat and neded to lose it quick smart- my own weight is constantly measured against my worth as a human being and constantly being brought up by my mum- my sister is much thinner than myself after her 2 kids and my 4. And yet the money issue that enables some people to live well and some others too not is never a reason to ponder. I am so upset rite now beacaue you looked so beauitful- as we all do when pregnant and I hate the fact i could relate so well- oh for the love of god why cant we let it go! Bless you and thanks again
January 10th, 2008 at 12:15 am
Bella thank you for leaving that comment. I saw the same things with my mother and my adoptive father, but it seems to go back generations this thing we have about weight. In some ways I think writing out those numbers was a cruel thing to do, knowing how those numbers can make us react but I’m glad you understood what I was trying to say. Thank you.
January 10th, 2008 at 12:25 am
Miscmum, it doesn’t seem to matter what the scales tell us for us to have that doubt, does it? But I am seriously off that train. I think it runs on a circular track, going nowhere.
January 13th, 2008 at 10:58 am
I skipped over the figures because they meant nothing to me - I would have had to know your height and your build and then look it up for them to mean anything at all. It does not matter though does it. It makes not a jot of difference what weight my friends and family are, unless there is a health concern because of it. In most cases it usually only matters to ourselves. I have had times when I have been really slim but this is when my body has been working overtime because of anxiety problems. I am now much more padded but never anxious - infinitely preferable.
January 13th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Infinitely preferable! That 55kg was most definitely due to overwork and the stress it put on my body. I have no expectation or desire to be that (or any other) particular weight again. Happy and healthy is the best measurement there is.