Jan 08
What am I thinking ?
Nothing.
I’m pretty sure I’ve thought about nothing today.
Well, not nothing of course, but nothing important. It’s been another day of speeding through distractions while responsibilities which need more immediate attention are ignored. Perhaps I need to stop letting that trouble me: It only makes me bury my head deeper.
At the moment, I feel a little spaced out. I can’t remember what day it is and time is making no sense. Today I gave Caspar lunch at 3pm. I don’t normally do that. If he’d been hungry he would’ve let me know, he would’ve stood at the refrigerator pointing or opened the cupboard and brought me a box of crackers, so I don’t feel guilty about it. Or, not much. I just feel something a little bit like tension, and a little bit like floating. I am disoriented.
Because I’ve had so many things going on, at least in cyberspace, I haven’t really stopped to see where my head is at. Who has time to do that anyway? That was what the counselling appointments were supposed to be for; one hour every couple of weeks away from my responsibilities with no one to think about but myself.
Except those counselling appointments never eventuated.
The day I was supposed to have the second one someone called to say that Counsel was ill and that she would call me tomorrow to reschedule. But no one called. And no one called the day after that or the day after that. It’s been six weeks now. The obvious question, of course, is Why didn’t I just call them? I don’t have an answer.
I’ve gone through a range of emotions about it, at low volume so that it’s only background noise and not screaming: Disappointment, especially after the optimism of the first visit, and a childlike sense of betrayal. Anger too, I guess, but anger isn’t something I understand very well. I’m not good at it. I’m uncomfortable with it.
Thinking about it now (Yes, I’m thinking. Would that I weren’t.) the strongest feeling is one that has coloured much of my life; that Orphan feeling which reveals itself as either, Why does no one ever take care of me?, or, I am an island.
I am an island.
Perhaps it’s an issue of trust. It’s not that I’m not a trusting person, I mean, the kind of person who is afraid, who doesn’t put themselves out there, who protects themselves at all costs from dangers unknown. I’m not like that. I’m brave, and daring and lay everything on the line. But underneath whatever risks I take with my thoughts or with my feelings or with my Self, being open about who I am and where I’m at, I think there is an expectation of disappointment which has too often been met. An expectation that regardless of how I value myself, my value won’t be recognised, or appreciated, or even acknowledged.
After a numb day, many numb days, writing this is bringing tears to my ears. Because what I’ve written might sound like the words of a petulant teenager but it feels so very true. I am far from being a cynic. In truth, I am a humanist, an idealist. But I am not hopeful.
I dive into life on principal because I think that’s the way we should live, that losing out on experiences because of fear or missing connections because of vulnerability is too great a cost to pay. Because the attempt, if not the chance, will always be worth more than the pain. I stand by that. I believe it’s true. But right now, what am I thinking?
I’m thinking perhaps the principal isn’t enough. I’m thinking that the failing in me is a lack of hope.
January 9th, 2008 at 12:42 am
I don’t think you sound like a petulant teenager. Or at least I hope you don’t - because I can see myself writing the same thing. My T cancelled our 5 pm appointment one day because she was sick. I got the message that afternoon and had to drive by her office on my way back home. Her car was there at 5 pm. Now I know intellectually she was finishing up her 4 pm appt and was thinking of nothing else but going home and going to bed. But my head kept telling me that I was unimportant, that I was expendable, that my appt time was less important than someone else’s. So I know the thoughts that are probably running through your head. Could you call back and reschedule? Yep. Did the receptionist probably make a mistake and note that they had left you a message and hadn’t heard back, or flipped a digit in your number? Probably. But will your brain allow you to accept that and call them - probably not.
(hugs)
January 9th, 2008 at 5:29 am
I spend day after day rushing from one distraction to another, and never really getting anything done. So I can relate with that. Also allow me to say you are a gifted writer. I will visit and comment as often as I can.
January 9th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Thank you for this honest post. I can relate to so much of it. I like the term, “speeding through distractions.” We sure do that, don’t we? I’m so sorry about what happened with your therapist. I had a similar experience a little over a year ago. I felt very abandoned and unloved, too. I wish heaps of hope for you!
January 9th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Thanks, you guys. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am to have crossed paths with each of you. It’s so good to hear that my feelings are “okay” and that I have no need to be ashamed or embarrassed by them. I wish I didn’t need to hear it, but so often I just can’t get that message through to myself.
LF, we’ve only just crossed paths but you’re included in that comment too. I really do enjoy your blog. I think you have aa slightly black sense of humour, regardless of your state of mind, which appeals to me. And I like truth-tellers, even if the truths are sometimes saddening. Just know that I’m reading, and I will comment when I can.
January 9th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Oh hun! Reading that brought tears to my eyes too. Cos I know how it feels. You don’t sound like a petulant teenager at all! Just someone who needs and DESERVES to feel loved. (((HUGS)))
Now, onto the counselling bit. My counsellor would be horrified to hear that something like that has happened. It’s not a good profession to let people slip through like that. Having said that, she has at times left me feeling rather “unimportant” at times. Completely unintentionally of course. I try to remind myself that she’s just human too. Plllleeeeeaaasssseeeee find someone else. Or give them a call. Or something. YOU are worth it!!!!
January 9th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Yes, I really should call. I really did like Counsel and I’m sure it would be good for me. I think part of the problem is that me having to take action makes this another responsibility and I want the burden of it lifted. But that’s pretty much cutting off my nose to spite my face. It’s not sensible.
January 9th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
I went to councilling and it did nothing for me- it just made it worse and boy I can relate to what you were saying- I almost feel that councilling is a fancy way of saying other people get it when you don’t -lol! How is that for cynicism- ah well nothing bad ever came from honesty- I wish I could feel better about the deal -but I don’t - best of luck to you
January 10th, 2008 at 12:18 am
I think you’re not alone in that. I know many people who’ve had, at best, useless experiences with counselling if not negative ones. But I know some people who have had wonderful experiences too. I guess I’ll give it one more shot and see how it goes.
January 10th, 2008 at 12:45 am
yes please do- thanks for sharing- you honesty have made me think more than once tonite- I admire you
January 11th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I think my old shrink might have fired or at least severely reprimanded a receptionist/secretary who did that to a client! He chose his staff very carefully for their warmth and humanity as well as efficiency. I know cos once in group therapy someone commented on how kind and friendly one of them was, and he smiled and said, “That’s why she’s there.”
However your Counsel won’t know about this lapse unless the client – you – does something to bring it to her attention. And it should be brought to her attention. Imagine if that happened to someone who was suicidal! She was right to take care of herself when sick, for clients’ sake as well as her own, but you should NOT have been left in limbo like that. And if you fell through the cracks, those cracks damn well better get repaired.
That all being said, she sounded, in your description of your initial encounter, like someone worth consulting.
Perhaps, if you don’t make another booking, at least send a brief letter of complaint.
But actually making another booking could be even better. Which it sounds as if you are planning to do. The inner Orphan no doubt had reasons for her world view, but no harm taking a fresh look.
January 11th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Yes, it’s on my list, but by all rights, from a professional standpoint if she was only sick for one day she should capable of making sure her missed appts were followed up. But who’s perfect, eh?
I’ll call. Sometime.