Feb 09
I burst into tears this morning…
Because I’m exhausted.
Caspar and I share a room. That’s a necessity, living in my sister’s house. But he’s getting too big to share a room with now. I guess he’s no longer a baby and he no longer sleeps like one. He wakes when I go to bed, and he wakes me up unpleasantly in the morning, leaving me drained.
I’ve been slack lately, too tired to deal with him crying so I get him up when I should be falling asleep; so I give him cuddles and let him sleep with me. But I’m not good at sleeping so by the time he settles, I’m stuck in my insomniac state again and it feels like I never get a chance for natural rest. It’s driving me batty and it’s making me extraordinarily cranky in the mornings which isn’t nice for anyone.
Last night I went to bed very early, 10pm, to try and catch up. It was a waste of time, which is what led to those bitter tears this morning. I really need a good night’s sleep; one where I go to bed when I’m ready, read until my eyes are closing of their own accord and wake up slowly, snoozing a little more if I want to and rising when I feel refreshed.
Refreshed.
Yeah.
That’s not a feeling I’m familiar with at the moment. It’s my own fault because I pick him up and I know that I should really let him cry himself back to sleep. I also know that he’s a very good sleeper and that makes it all the more frustrating. But it’s much easier to let your child cry when you’re not right there in the room, when he’s not crying directly at you, just a metre away from where you’re trying to sleep. It’s not like I can hide. Just me being there in his line of sight is enough to wake him up more fully and make him more insistent.
I love him dearly, I even love the midnight snuggles, but while I don’t require a lot of sleep, right now I’m at breaking point. I know I need to let him scream at me in order for him to get back his ability to soothe himself, in order to break his habit of waking which I’m actually encouraging with the "reward" of cuddles and snuggles.
And isn’t it always the way that you have to do the hardest things when you have the least ability to do them?
February 9th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Hi Lani, I’ve got no advice whatsoever I’m afraid so I’ll just say that I hope you get through it soon. Thinking about you :))
February 9th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Oh I so remember this feeling. I was in Singapore on my own with my 8 month old son who almost immediately on arrival fell very sick. I didn’t sleep for four days until I caught up with an old family friend who lived there. She took one look at me, took my son and sent me to bed - at the other end of the house. She saved me and my son. Maybe you could get your sister to mind him for a day?
February 9th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I must admit I sucked at letting my kids cry. I hope you get a rest soon.
February 9th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Thanks guys. Big Sis babysitting for the day is no good, because I’m so bad at getting to sleep that by the time I do Cas will need a nap. In my room. I can’t sleep in Big Sis’ room during the day either because she has a spinal injury and needs to lie down on her mattress regularly. However, reading your comments sparked a brilliant idea and I’ve just gone next door (to Big Sis’ boyfriend’s house) and asked to borrow his camping mattress, which I can put in the living room to sleep on for a little while, until I’ve caught up on my sleep and Cas has relearned how to sleep through the night.
Hooray!
February 9th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
[…] a nap, to try to recoup a little sleep time. I feel decadent that I am able to do this when I read Cerebral Mum’s post today. I remember when I was sleep deprived. It was tough. I had another bad dream this afternoon though. […]
February 9th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
It seems to be a bit of a vicious circle in our house - the more tired I become the less able I am to handle the situation effectively, and so the less sleep we all get!
The camping mattress sounds like a winner. I so hope it works for you and your little guy.
February 9th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
(((HUGS))) I’m not surprised your wrung out and teary. I hope you can get some sleep soon. How much longer will you be staying with your sister?
February 10th, 2008 at 6:36 am
Good idea on the camping mattress. My little one was sick and got used to sleeping in our room for 2 days. That was all - 2 days and now she doesn’t want to go back to her room.
February 10th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Oh I can empathise with ths so well at the moment.
Hugs to you. I hope you get some restful sleep soon.
February 10th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Oh No, not sleep deprivation. The whole world is skewed against you when you are sleep deprived, or so it seems. The camping mattress sounds like a fantastic idea. I was going to suggest a sheet or something so that he can’t see you, but he would still hear you and know that you were there, so I think that the mattress wins. Hope as I am typing this that you are sleeping soundly.
February 11th, 2008 at 12:09 am
Not sleeping yet, Gemisht. There have been some distractions tonight (tipsy neighbours visiting) and I wanted to get this post written. I wanted to finish one for Blogging Personal too but it will wait another day. And congratulations on that link in your name. A wonderful new blog added to my feedreader!
Tiff, thank you! Restful sleep is now on the menu.
Enola, the habits form quickly, don’t they? It feels a bit like taking away a toy but I know that it’s good for Cas as well as me.
February 11th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
hi Lani, I can relate to this right now too.I admit I, too, suck at letting my sons cry.They both sleep with us too but I am too anxious to move them into their room - sorry you don’t have other options .I have no advice to offer.{hugs}I hope you get a good refreshing sleep soon or I am glad you have by now ;).
I agree with what Alison said too
“the more tired I become the less able I am to handle the situation effectively, and so the less sleep we all get!”