Apr 14 2008

Still alive… (And potty talk…)

Tag: Saffron noodlescerebralmum @ 10:17 pm

I’ve been shite lately. Obviously. I don’t even want to look at the date of my last post. I haven’t been reading my friends blogs. I haven’t even been reading my emails much. I think there are a gazillion people online that I haven’t thanked for various things. And a few offline as well. At some stage, things just got “all too much” and I left my computer off, zealously, and buried my head in sand (aka Sci-Fi DVDs). And when you feel like everything things all too much and so ignore them, it actually makes you feel worse.

So here I am, back again and feeling somewhat miserable and stressed, but I’ll probably feel better by the time I finish this post. There are so many things I have to do right now. I can’t even begin to enumerate them. I know people say to break it down into small parts, and to write lists and tick them off so you feel like you’re getting somewhere, but when the task of writing such a list is overwhelming, I think you’re pretty much screwed.

So I’m starting my baby steps - again - here. And apologising to all those people who deserve much attention and haven’t been getting it from me. I can’t promise you’ll be getting it any time soon, but now at least you know that I am thinking about you.

Sometimes, I am the life of the party. And sometimes I am a very antisocial creature. My real life friends are mostly aware of that, and don’t worry when they don’t hear from me for months on end. That’s just me. I think internet relationships are more tenuous. They don’t, for me at least, have the strength of years. So I feel more guilty when I don’t “water” those friendships. Which, again, makes me want to bury my head in the sand.

I’ve been slack at taking photos too, so I have no picture of “Monday’s Child” (I don’t want to cheat and use an old one) but I can promise that he is still as gorgeous as ever. And we started toilet training a couple of weeks ago.

Caspar will be 18 months in 2 days, which is apparently on the early side for toilet training these days, especially for boys. (Yes, I scanned a couple of pieces of the child rearing literature before ignoring it and Skyping my mother.) He’d been showing signs of readiness for a while, and I had a potty on hand but decided that trying to get him to use the potty when he was interested in the toilet was a stupid idea. So I looked around for a toilet seat for him. I didn’t think that would be so hard.

I just wanted one of those seat and step combined folding things. I thought they were pretty standard. But no, I couldn’t find one anywhere. Just seats and separate steps which were too low. And ridiculously high tech things which convert into Lear jets or some such and had a similar price point. After a couple of weeks searching for simplicity, I gave up and just bought a padded seat because he didn’t want to wait any longer, and holding him over the bowl was not fun for my back.

(I also shopped around for some plain undies - without crazy patterns or “licensed” characters. I loathe “licensed” characters on everything. It was worth the extra pennies not to have to look at them 10 times a day.)

Of course, the standard seat didn’t fit on our toilet, so out came the hacksaw to remove some excess plastic and we were off.

One other issue is that Cas still doesn’t speak so has no way of telling me that he needs to go so I’ve had to be a little vigilant about keeping an eye on when he’s fidgeting. Kelley from Magneto Bold Too and Leechbabe from Stuff With Thing (I think - it was a while ago) both gave me a couple of handsigns I could use so I taught him one of those as a way to say “toilet”. He learned that pretty much instantaneously. Of course, learning it and using it are two different things.

Overall, it’s been a simple change. To be honest, throwing a couple of pairs of undies in the washing machine is easier than laundering nappies. And he gets it. There have been a few accidents, obviously, but also a few days accident free. We’ve even gone out a couple of times without a nappy. And he’s actually really great at weeing on the loo. He doesn’t even need rewards. He’s happy just to get a piece of toilet paper when he’s done and to wave bye-bye. The pooing, though? Not so much.

In the couple of weeks, we’ve only had half a poo in the loo. But he’ll get there. Toilet training is not as bad as I thought. Maybe because I decided not to stress about that, at least. It helps to have a Mum that says it takes longer than they say it does, and to not be a sucker for the Potty-Train-Your-Toddler-In-A-Day Brigade. If he’s fully toilet trained in six months, that’s good enough for me. Although, after seeing how well he’s doing, I doubt that it will take that long.

So there you go. I wrote a blog post. That’s one thing I can cross off my gargantuan non-existent list. And I feel a bit better.

Although still a crappy person for not, figuratively, returning my friends’ calls.

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Mar 24 2008

Things will be patchy…

Tag: Saffron noodlescerebralmum @ 8:50 am

I’ve been unwell. Well, not unwell, but in pain. I have an ovarian cyst that has been haemorrhaging which is just not pleasant. I even missed a day at university on Tuesday. I went to my Thursday classes but I was in tears by the time I got home.

I got my first ovarian cyst when I was 14 and by the time I got a diagnosis and treatment I had two, one in each ovary; a grapefruit and a golf ball, both extraordinarily painful while menstruating. Luckily, they cleared up with medication. My sister, who gets them as well, had to have her first one surgically removed.

The cyst isn’t a big drama but the treatment is The Pill. At 14, years and years before I was sexually active, I was put on Microgynon 50ED, a “high dose” oral contraceptive and I was told I had to stay on it for the rest of my fertile life. I prefer to let my body take care of itself. I can always tell when I have a cyst because the pain is quite distinct from normal menstrual pain but I only get a really bad one every 2 or 3 years. I have a rule that if the cyst hasn’t flushed itself away through 3 cycles, then I will resort to medical intervention. But 3 cycles is the most they ever last.

I don’t like being on The Pill and decided even before I became sexually active that I would use it for contraception when in a relationship only. I had side effects at a young age due to the dosage, the least of which was significant weight gain at the time when a young girl’s body image is probably at its most fragile. And if I had stayed on it as instructed, by now I would have taken about 7,500 tablets. By the time I reached menopause, if I had continued as instructed, I would have taken over 13,000. I find that idea untenable. While I love and respect science, that level of screwing around with the body’s natural functions should be avoided unless absolutely necessary, in my opinion.

But anyway, that’s where I have been. In bed and in pain. My computer was switched off while I laid curled up in a ball watching Smallville. I’m still not 100% but at least I don’t feel like I’m in labour anymore.

However, my usual posting schedule is not about to resume because, basically, the shit has hit the fan next door, where Big Sis’ boyfriend lives. The upshot is that he needs to move out, and soon. With me and Cas living here in big Sis’ place, there isn’t room for him (he has 3 children on the weekends) so we’re trying to orchestrate a somewhat dramatic shuffle to make sure we all have a bed somewhere.

It looks like he’ll move into my derelict house, temporarily at least, which is probably a good thing for me because the help I’ve needed will be given more urgent attention but there are a lot of logistics to sort out in the coming weeks so postings will (continue to) be a little sketchy.

In other news, my first assignment is due tomorrow and I haven’t started it yet. It’s only 500 words so it shouldn’t be a drama, but with all the financial, residential and health issues rearing their heads right now, well… You get the picture.

Love and kisses to all. And apologies for my inattention of late. That will continue for a little while longer.

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Mar 11 2008

Other kinds of babies…

Tag: Saffron noodlescerebralmum @ 9:41 pm

So, I’ve spent the last two days in bed unwell and miserable. Yesterday, (Shock! Horror!) I didn’t even turn my computer on. But I’m getting better and here I am again, thinking of all the things that I haven’t done. Is one ever able to catch up? Anyway…

On Saturday, Big Sis’ favourite cat (her baby) was hit by a car. Our neighbour came and knocked on the door. She’d seen him slam into the gutter and then dash off only to make it as far as the neighbour’s garden bed. So there he was, lying in the bark, Big Sis too upset to hear what the women were telling her about what had happened, while B and I organised blankets and a basket to take him to the vet. He spent the weekend in ‘emergency’ and was just transferred to the regular vet today but we’re still not sure how he is. It looks like one eye is gone and but the scans haven’t shown anything too frightening.

They are a little worried about brain damage but he seems to be responsive when Big Sis has visited so that’s promising. To be honest, I’m not sure what the vets can do at this point except wait and see how he improves so perhaps we’ll be able to bring him home tomorrow. He has peed, so his kidneys seem to be okay but he’s still being fed with a syringe. I just don’t know how Big Sis will be if he doesn’t make it.

But on to other, nicer news… I didn’t tell you about my first philosophy lecture last week.

I walked in to the “small” lecture hall which held only about 150 people and heard this booming “No way!” coming from the centre of the seating and looked up to see one of my ‘babies’ unfolding his 6′ frame from his chair and waving at me. I say ‘baby’ because when I was cocktail waitressing, I had my ‘baby boys’ (19-22 year old bartenders) whom I adored and who adored me in return.

This particular one was my favourite and when I changed jobs, I took him with me. But I’ve been out of the game for a while now and hadn’t seen him in ages. Even though I knew he’d attended the same university, I thought he graduated last year but apparently he had broken his wrist and then got a Staph infection so with his hospital stay and his inability to hold a camera (he’s a photography major) there he was…

Which means I have a friend at university!

Of course, he’s not entirely a baby any more, and I’m a little older and a little more faded and flabby, so his company isn’t the vanity-food it once was, but it’s nice to have someone to sit with in the sun between lectures and also to get a lift to the train station after class, removing 2 parts of my 4 part trip to home. (Tram, tram, train, bus. Grrr.)

And it’s even better to have someone to argue with about morality and and objectivism and relativism (the subject of today’s philosophy lecture) because that’s the kind of conversation philosophy and I are all about.

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Mar 08 2008

5 reasons to smile… (and 3 songs)

Tag: Saffron noodlescerebralmum @ 12:52 am

[This post is part of Lightening’s Smiley Saturdays.]

My Favourite Suburb

On my way to university each day, I pass through my favourite suburb, the one I want to be living in again as soon as Ii can. It’s not the most beautiful, or the most stylish, or the most avant-garde or… Well, it’s not the most anything, but on my first day, walking through those streets, from the train station to the tram, I remembered what it felt like to be ‘home’, both in a place and in myself. It just lifted me up.

Reading

For a long time now I’ve been having trouble reading, depression making the kind of concentration necessary very difficult. But since I brought my textbooks and course materials home, I haven’t wanted to stop. Not only am I reading again, but my mind is alive with ideas again. And that means I feel alive.

The Weather

Yes, the sun has been shining and that makes me feel wonderful, even though my face is now horribly freckled brown, but this is Melbourne. The four seasons in one day we have also make me feel at home. Running around barefoot in floating cotton dresses, or jumping in puddles, or reading outside under the tree, or snuggling up under homemade blankets… They’ve all made me happy this week.

Watching Caspar climb into my bed (the mattress in the living room) and snuggle down into the pillow then pull the blankets up to tuck himself in made me smile too. He knows what contentment is.

This Conversation

I was working at the computer, Caspar climbs up onto my lap, and we have this conversation… (I’ve abbreviated it a little.)

Mummy: Would you like to go to the park?
Caspar: (shakes head)
Mummy: Would you like to ride your bike?
Caspar: (shakes head)
Mummy: Would you like to read a book?
Caspar: (shakes head)
Mummy: Would you like to do some drawing?
Caspar: (shakes head)
Mummy: Would you like to make music?
Caspar: (shakes head)
Mummy: Would you like to watch telly?
Caspar: (shakes head)
Mummy: Would you like to have a bath?
Caspar: (shakes head)
Mummy: Would you like to have a bottle?
Caspar: (shakes head)
Mummy: Would you like some chocolate?
Caspar: (shakes head)
Mummy: Would you like to sit on Mummy’s knee and have cuddles?
Caspar: (Nods emphatically and snuggles in.)

Yes, my love is better than chocolate, but I have saved the best for last.

A New Family Member

Caspar is no longer the youngest boy on my mother’s side of the family. On 1st of March at 8:58am, my cousin gave birth to a baby boy. He weighed 3565 grams and his big brothers think he is cool. I haven’t met him yet because he lives in Sydney, but I was so excited to hear the news. Congratulations to B and M, and J and J.

And welcome to the world, Archie.

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Mar 06 2008

Getting sorted…

Tag: Saffron noodlescerebralmum @ 10:27 pm

Eeek. Sorry for last night’s rant. :)

It has been a massive week of organising my life and despite the fact that a couple of trivial things (like bad software) have made me pretty hot under the collar, I’m having a wonderful time and I’m happier than I have been in… I don’t know how long.

I promise I’ll write a lovely Smiley Saturday post and tell you about all the the things that are making me joyful.

At the moment, the big job is getting myself 100% sorted for this semester so it’s focus focus focus in the best sort of way. With Cas, I don’t have the luxury of fluffing my way through study any more. Besides, there is nothing better for me than being super-productive and working towards something meaningful. I know that when I’ve got a handle on all my studies over the next couple of weeks, I’ll have heaps of energy built up to deal with the things which have been dragging me down.

However, I have had second thoughts about taking on a full time study load this semester and I think I will be withdrawing from that 3rd subject, only because I’ve been stuck in this living situation for too long. I want to be able to get out of here and into my own apartment by midyear break. That, of course, will depend on someone buying my house but at the very least I would like it ready to sell and on the market. Once I’m free of that albatross, I’ll be able to pick up extra subjects and do them justice. As much as I would like to do everything at once, only so much is possible.

I’m also in the process of trying to come to an arrangement with the bank so that I can consolidate my debts and reduce my monthly payments. I’ve had to ask a relative to be a guarantor which is horrid position to be in (both for me and them) but at the moment I’m hopeful that I can get it sorted. Not having things in the red, at the same time as reducing my total monthly payments is going to make a huge difference to my psyche.

Over at the Aussie Bloggers Forum today, Ben Barden (great blogger, nice guy) linked to an article by Neil Jenman, How To Save Your Home, and everyone agreed that it was worth reading. Right now, I almost fit into the “mortgage trauma” category, despite the fact that when I bought the house the mortgage repayments were less than 25% of my income. I wasn’t foolish (Who needs a McMansion, anyway?) but life circumstances change. I just have to get my income and my living arrangements compatible again.

On top of all that, I’ve also got a dozen blog posts in development for here, there and everywhere, so it seems like I will be getting my blogging life under control soon as well.

Let’s just hope that the bank doesn’t send me into a tailspin again.

Overall, the best thing about being at university is that I feel like myself. (Can you hear all the energy?) I feel purposeful; I feel like I’m involved; I feel like I’m moving.

I’m a busy person now. I mean business.

(Btw: First history lecture today. It was fantastic! Off to write up my notes now.)

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Feb 21 2008

You just need a little vision…

Tag: Saffron noodlescerebralmum @ 10:46 pm

After my “Meh” post about my birthday, the evening turned out to be a lot of fun. Big Sis and her B made dinner for me and bought a cake. It was just a nice quiet “family” thing but I think you should always have a family thing even if you’re going to party hard. That’s always what we did with birthdays and Christmas when I was growing up but Big Sis and I have been having trouble working up much enthusiasm for these events after years of it being just the 2 of us, and now that we’re living together they are even less of an event because, well, we’re sisters.

DSCF1893 However, adding that new, unofficial family member made a big difference because he has all the infectious enthusiasm while we alone are just too “familiar”. So it was a great night, with just some simple food, a birthday cake (which you’ve already seen all over Caspar’s face), good company and a bottle of wine. And at the end of our meal, and my snap-happiness (because I’d actually charged the batteries for my camera), I even conned Big Sis and B into putting Caspar to bed.

They said, Yes, before realising that they’d need to hose him off, change his nappy, put him in his jammies, brush his teeth and read him 3 books, but they did it anyway.

Now, before anyone thinks I’m a bad mother because bedtimes are sacred: I know! But I do it every single day. We have dinner and then I do my mummy work: bath, clothes, teeth, books, cuddles, bottle. I’m not complaining, because it is the best kind of work in the world, but I can’t remember the last time I was able to sit and actually digest my food. I hate doing things right after dinner. The dishes get done in the morning.

So on my birthday after dinner I sat in B’s garage (we’re on a dual occupancy block) with my glass of red and digested. And it was great.

Except, of course, it wasn’t. Or, at least, not entirely.

Because bedtimes are sacred.

I spent the rest of the evening at home wanting to wake him up so we could have our cuddles, so I could say goodnight “properly”. It’s all very well to have a little help now and then, but my instincts tell me that everything is my job all of the time. Of course, sometimes being a good mum means not letting those instincts take over, and leaving room for other people in your child’s life, but just because it’s okay doesn’t mean it’s comfortable.

Besides, sitting and digesting food is now… weird.

But now I’ve digressed and am a long way from what I was intending to write about. Why am I talking about my birthday? Because today I went with Big Sis to organise my present.

I am getting new glasses!

I got my new prescription and picked out the frames and ordered the lenses. And I’m sooooo excited. My poor old broken and lost ones were ancient and ugly. And my new ones are stylish and slick and flattering. I can’t wait to pick them up!

We had B’s card and he told me I could spend $300 but I really didn’t want to do that because I knew that money was coming out of the savings he Big Sis has been putting away for a new car. (B, obviously, is generous to a fault, so he lets Big Sis manage his budget, which he then breaks.)

Anyway, we went to the local shopping centre. The first shop didn’t have any appointments for a week. Er, uni is starting! Then we went to OPSM and they had an appointment that day but I would be lucky to get even the simplest glasses for less than $300 there. So no way. Then we found the next one. They’d had a cancellation and could fit me in at midday. And not only that, but all their frames under $200 were 80% off. 80%!

So I got the coolest (yes, I know that isn’t a cool word) $170 frames for $34. I not sure when they’ll be ready to pick up, but they put a rush on them for me and soon…

I WILL HAVE VISION!

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Feb 20 2008

So goes the war…

Tag: Saffron noodlescerebralmum @ 10:33 pm

I’m stressed at the moment and it is getting in the way of me getting things done. I haven’t been meeting my own deadlines for getting the WinterWarm site finished, even though I’m so close. I’ve hardly written a thing on my other blog, and what I have published has been uptight and, well, basically pretty crappy.

And another thing is stressing me out. Feel free to stop reading now because there is nothing tackier than whining about money and that is what I’m going to do.

Basically, my income doesn’t actually cover the bills I need to pay. I put in an application a while ago to draw down some of my home equity to clear some debts and help me fix a few things at the house so I could sell it but nobody ever got back to me. Needless to say, my credit card company has had enough and I now have a month to come up with $8,500. That’s pretty hard when, after paying a home loan, a personal loan and some of your minimum cc payment, all you have left for the rest of life’s expenses (you know, like food and electricity, or replacing glasses) is less than $200 a month.

So I get on my bank’s case and ask what is going on with the loan. I get a message back simply saying, Sorry but it was not approved. Er, thanks for letting me know.

But I understand. My credit rating is screwy. It all went pear-shaped after the indecent assault by an employer, when I left my job (obviously) and went spiraling into depression.

However, the things that shits me is that I have, at a minimum, $60,000 equity in that house. There is no danger to the bank. Especially because drawing down on my home loan will actually reduce all my expenses each month making it easier for me to pay the damn home loan. Especially because drawing down on the loan would make it easier for me to sell the thing and give them all their damn money back.

Basically they’re saying, We don’t trust you to pay less than you do right now. Does that makes sense? Well, no. But banks have their little ways.

So I wrote back asking what I could do. Could I go higher up and appeal the decision? Could I reduce the figure being applied for? And so on and so on. They have said they might approve it if I can get a family member to be a guarantor. Um, yeah.

My mother lives in Sudan: I don’t think they’ll want her signature. My sister is living on income insurance because of her spinal injury and has her own home loan to pay. And she’s already stretched from paying the bills for a household of 3 because I can’t afford my fair share of the utilities.

Does trying to find a solution to this feel too hard? Yes, it does. Is sitting here whining about it going to help? No, it’s not. Right at this moment, can I think of anything better to do? In a word… No.

But c’est la guerre, right? C’est la guerre…

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