Dec 05 2007
Polar seasons…
Rosemary mentioned in her comment on Avoiding depression… that it sounded manic. And it is, and I am. So I’m going to write a little about Bipolar Disorder. I could write a well researched post with citations and such to clarify and support or counter what I have to say but I’m not going to. These will just be my thoughts about it in relation to me. I know that there are a couple of you reading who know far more about it than I do so if I’m mistaken about something, please correct me. I apologise in advance for the gaps in my knowledge.
I have always had seasons. Ever since I was a child. I have seasons when I am extraordinarily sociable and seasons when I just want everyone to leave me alone. Seasons when I am completely oblivious to food and seasons when I cannot eat enough. There are times when I have to be doing things constantly, when I am extraordinarily productive and extraordinarily creative. And there are times when I have stayed in bed for weeks just numbing my mind with trashy fiction.
Because of this, if I ever answer a questionnaire about bipolar or psychiatric illnesses generally, it always comes up as a probable diagnosis with recommendations to see my doctor. I never have talked to a doctor about it because I don’t consider it problematic.
I see my seasons as my balance. For outsiders looking in it may not seem that way. The only difference between me and them is that my cycles have a different length. They satisfy their social needs, their need for introspection, their need for stimulation, their need for peace, their need for productivity, and their need for rest in snatches of time that suit life as it is composed today. Life as it is composed today does not suit me well.
But is that necessarily a pathology? Is that necessarily a disease? I am quite sure that I could easily obtain that label, but I don’t want it. The reason I don’t want it is not because of the stigma, or because I reject help. It is because I like myself as I am. While I could easily be said to exhibit many of the “symptoms” of bipolar, the trouble with psychiatric diagnoses is that they are necessarily subjective. (At the moment anyway: There are small advances being made.) In the current climate, for “spectrum” disorders especially, I think we are in murky water.
All we have to do is look at the rates of diagnosis for things such as ADD and autism and, yes, bipolar in children to recognise that there is some cause for concern. The borders of “normal” are shrinking. There is no longer any room for temperament.
This is not to say in any way that there are not people out there with real illnesses going undiagnosed or misdiagnosed and untreated. There are. Too many. But at the same time, difference is becoming less acceptable. Behaviour is becoming medicalised. I think in part this is because humans seek order and this global environment we live in is chaotic. I think in part it is because we do not understand that in genetics and biology there are no absolutes. It will be a long time before we know the full truth of the organic causes and effects of human behaviour, probably not in my lifetime, and because of that, I echo the sentiments of The Last Psychiatrist: At this stage “it may be worth, oh, I don’t know– conservative management?“
As I said, looking at the diagnostic criteria I could easily get a diagnosis. But I just don’t think that it is as simple as that. My temperament has always been such that I lose myself in the world of my creativity and my ideas. It makes sense that I would make up for lost time and meet my other needs in larger blocks. I have to catch up, refuel, before I go back to doing the things that are important to me, to my identity.
And there are lifestyle factors which have also effected my cycles. Studying and working as a cocktail waitress both involve intense levels of energy, often in bursts and the sustained effort of them both disrupts normal functioning. I have held down two jobs, night and day while at university full time. I have worked full time at an office job while waitressing nights. I have done back to back shifts of seventeen hours over and over again in hospitality, requiring enormous levels of concentration and creating an adrenaline high it is difficult to come down from.
Do I do that because of my temperament or has my temperament been shaped by it?. Do I do that because of my seasons, or do they create my seasons? Yes, it is possible that there are organic causes. Almost everything we are is a genetic expression. At the same time, there are many events which have occurred in my life which have contributed to lengthy highs and lows. And we do not have the knowledge to separate the two.
That makes psychiatry a dangerous business. The definition of metal illnesses and disorders largely social. Genes, contrary to popular understanding, are not prescriptive. Society is and we do not live in a tolerant one. Psychopathology is a way of systematizing behaviour, categorizing collections of symptoms. But how do we define what is a “symptom” and what is a character trait? Those lines cannot help but be drawn, even if collectively, subjectively.
I am not saying, of course, that this means all diagnoses are expectations of conformity. As I said, there are people suffering and there are people for whom diagnosis and treatment helps. I am simply saying that at the edges the line is very fuzzy and the line for me, in the absence of definitive science, is this:
Are my seasons destructive or constructive?
Do they impair my ability to function in and of themsleves or do they impair my ability to function because they do not suit society? My answer is that society and I are not a perfect fit, but we are not enormously at odds. Everyone functions best when their work and responsibilities are cycling in tandem with their energy levels. For some people, there is a natural harmony between the two. For others, it is more difficult to shape their lives according to their temperaments and I am one of them.
Perhaps someone else can answer this, but it seems to me that I cannot be ill if my patterns of behaviour, when able to be expressed fully, are regenerative. It is highly likely that there are organic similarities between the way my brain functions and the way someone’s with bipolar does. Just as it is likely that the same function can be created synthetically by lifestyle choices. But how does a person with bipolar feel about their seasons? Do they feel overcome by them? Do they shred up their lives? Do they have a negative impact on those around them?
I don’t know, but my seasons are not like that. It is when my life is most in harmony with them that I feel most like myself, that I feel most comfortable. And it is then that I am most likeable.
Of course, much of this is moot because at the moment I have no balance and I am clinically depressed. And I could be completely wrong. I shall see my doctor and have her check how everything is functioning physiologically. Rosemary’s comment was not off target and I shall seek help where it is appropriate. But if there is one thing I have learned in life, it is that I am most depressed when I have ignored my seasons.
I sleep like a bear, not a cat. I have to live according to my design.
