Apr 14 2008

Still alive… (And potty talk…)

Tag: Saffron noodlescerebralmum @ 10:17 pm

I’ve been shite lately. Obviously. I don’t even want to look at the date of my last post. I haven’t been reading my friends blogs. I haven’t even been reading my emails much. I think there are a gazillion people online that I haven’t thanked for various things. And a few offline as well. At some stage, things just got “all too much” and I left my computer off, zealously, and buried my head in sand (aka Sci-Fi DVDs). And when you feel like everything things all too much and so ignore them, it actually makes you feel worse.

So here I am, back again and feeling somewhat miserable and stressed, but I’ll probably feel better by the time I finish this post. There are so many things I have to do right now. I can’t even begin to enumerate them. I know people say to break it down into small parts, and to write lists and tick them off so you feel like you’re getting somewhere, but when the task of writing such a list is overwhelming, I think you’re pretty much screwed.

So I’m starting my baby steps - again - here. And apologising to all those people who deserve much attention and haven’t been getting it from me. I can’t promise you’ll be getting it any time soon, but now at least you know that I am thinking about you.

Sometimes, I am the life of the party. And sometimes I am a very antisocial creature. My real life friends are mostly aware of that, and don’t worry when they don’t hear from me for months on end. That’s just me. I think internet relationships are more tenuous. They don’t, for me at least, have the strength of years. So I feel more guilty when I don’t “water” those friendships. Which, again, makes me want to bury my head in the sand.

I’ve been slack at taking photos too, so I have no picture of “Monday’s Child” (I don’t want to cheat and use an old one) but I can promise that he is still as gorgeous as ever. And we started toilet training a couple of weeks ago.

Caspar will be 18 months in 2 days, which is apparently on the early side for toilet training these days, especially for boys. (Yes, I scanned a couple of pieces of the child rearing literature before ignoring it and Skyping my mother.) He’d been showing signs of readiness for a while, and I had a potty on hand but decided that trying to get him to use the potty when he was interested in the toilet was a stupid idea. So I looked around for a toilet seat for him. I didn’t think that would be so hard.

I just wanted one of those seat and step combined folding things. I thought they were pretty standard. But no, I couldn’t find one anywhere. Just seats and separate steps which were too low. And ridiculously high tech things which convert into Lear jets or some such and had a similar price point. After a couple of weeks searching for simplicity, I gave up and just bought a padded seat because he didn’t want to wait any longer, and holding him over the bowl was not fun for my back.

(I also shopped around for some plain undies - without crazy patterns or “licensed” characters. I loathe “licensed” characters on everything. It was worth the extra pennies not to have to look at them 10 times a day.)

Of course, the standard seat didn’t fit on our toilet, so out came the hacksaw to remove some excess plastic and we were off.

One other issue is that Cas still doesn’t speak so has no way of telling me that he needs to go so I’ve had to be a little vigilant about keeping an eye on when he’s fidgeting. Kelley from Magneto Bold Too and Leechbabe from Stuff With Thing (I think - it was a while ago) both gave me a couple of handsigns I could use so I taught him one of those as a way to say “toilet”. He learned that pretty much instantaneously. Of course, learning it and using it are two different things.

Overall, it’s been a simple change. To be honest, throwing a couple of pairs of undies in the washing machine is easier than laundering nappies. And he gets it. There have been a few accidents, obviously, but also a few days accident free. We’ve even gone out a couple of times without a nappy. And he’s actually really great at weeing on the loo. He doesn’t even need rewards. He’s happy just to get a piece of toilet paper when he’s done and to wave bye-bye. The pooing, though? Not so much.

In the couple of weeks, we’ve only had half a poo in the loo. But he’ll get there. Toilet training is not as bad as I thought. Maybe because I decided not to stress about that, at least. It helps to have a Mum that says it takes longer than they say it does, and to not be a sucker for the Potty-Train-Your-Toddler-In-A-Day Brigade. If he’s fully toilet trained in six months, that’s good enough for me. Although, after seeing how well he’s doing, I doubt that it will take that long.

So there you go. I wrote a blog post. That’s one thing I can cross off my gargantuan non-existent list. And I feel a bit better.

Although still a crappy person for not, figuratively, returning my friends’ calls.

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Mar 12 2008

Evil Judy Garland…

Tag: In a dark wood, wandering...cerebralmum @ 10:25 pm

Ever had one of those days when you’ve slogged through some of the hardest things you have to do and then, when the sun goes down, you realise that you’ve gotten exactly nowhere? That’s today. Intellectually, I know things are step by step and today’s steps count but, to mix clichéd metaphors, it still feels like a house of cards and the road ahead is long.

Ever feel as though - if you’re the puppeteer of your own life - there are too many strings to manage and while one limb is dancing to your tune, the other is flailing? Somewhere along the line, things must get easier. I liked being young and irresponsible, able to just cut strings. Now, I have no choice but to arduously untangle them all, hoping nothing breaks in the process.

Ever feel like there is an evil Judy Garland in your head singing, It never ra-ains, but what it po-ours… in her chirpy little voice just to drive you insane? So what if all your troubles come in bunches, keep sticking to your silly little hunches…

And the sun will come shining through.

Yeah, right.

I’m a child of Nirvana. I need depressive music to cheer me up. So I’m turning up Lisa Germano and listening to Cancer of Everything.

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Feb 20 2008

So goes the war…

Tag: Saffron noodlescerebralmum @ 10:33 pm

I’m stressed at the moment and it is getting in the way of me getting things done. I haven’t been meeting my own deadlines for getting the WinterWarm site finished, even though I’m so close. I’ve hardly written a thing on my other blog, and what I have published has been uptight and, well, basically pretty crappy.

And another thing is stressing me out. Feel free to stop reading now because there is nothing tackier than whining about money and that is what I’m going to do.

Basically, my income doesn’t actually cover the bills I need to pay. I put in an application a while ago to draw down some of my home equity to clear some debts and help me fix a few things at the house so I could sell it but nobody ever got back to me. Needless to say, my credit card company has had enough and I now have a month to come up with $8,500. That’s pretty hard when, after paying a home loan, a personal loan and some of your minimum cc payment, all you have left for the rest of life’s expenses (you know, like food and electricity, or replacing glasses) is less than $200 a month.

So I get on my bank’s case and ask what is going on with the loan. I get a message back simply saying, Sorry but it was not approved. Er, thanks for letting me know.

But I understand. My credit rating is screwy. It all went pear-shaped after the indecent assault by an employer, when I left my job (obviously) and went spiraling into depression.

However, the things that shits me is that I have, at a minimum, $60,000 equity in that house. There is no danger to the bank. Especially because drawing down on my home loan will actually reduce all my expenses each month making it easier for me to pay the damn home loan. Especially because drawing down on the loan would make it easier for me to sell the thing and give them all their damn money back.

Basically they’re saying, We don’t trust you to pay less than you do right now. Does that makes sense? Well, no. But banks have their little ways.

So I wrote back asking what I could do. Could I go higher up and appeal the decision? Could I reduce the figure being applied for? And so on and so on. They have said they might approve it if I can get a family member to be a guarantor. Um, yeah.

My mother lives in Sudan: I don’t think they’ll want her signature. My sister is living on income insurance because of her spinal injury and has her own home loan to pay. And she’s already stretched from paying the bills for a household of 3 because I can’t afford my fair share of the utilities.

Does trying to find a solution to this feel too hard? Yes, it does. Is sitting here whining about it going to help? No, it’s not. Right at this moment, can I think of anything better to do? In a word… No.

But c’est la guerre, right? C’est la guerre…

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Feb 17 2008

A carnival, a psych ward, and art…

Tag: Saffron noodlescerebralmum @ 9:47 pm

Last night, when I was chatting with my mother on Skype, I wrote…

“I really should go because I want to visit the people who have taken part in the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse because I’ve been neglecting them lately and they are important.”

She wrote back, “Indeed.”

It isn’t something that gets talked about any more in my family so it was just a tiny confirmation that, although we’ve moved on with our lives, nothing has been brushed back under the carpet. It made me happy.

Anyway, the Carnival is up over at Survivor’s Can Thrive, and this month it is beautifully titled After Child Abuse–Love Remains. I haven’t yet had a chance to read everything yet, but as usual there are many inspiring, and wise, posts. Some of them are even a bit like Music and Lyrics, just as life should be, but I’ll let you dig around and find them on your own.

If you don’t have time to read through the Carnival though, just take a quick look at Austin’s post on her blog, The People Behind My Eyes: Inside A Psych Ward. I found it very enlightening.

If you haven’t visited Austin’s site before you will also find galleries of her artwork there and her artwork is beautiful. Prints and postcards are available from RedBubble

But I have work to do, so for tonight, you’ll get no more of me…

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Jan 08 2008

What am I thinking ?

Tag: In a dark wood, wandering...cerebralmum @ 11:58 pm

Nothing.

I’m pretty sure I’ve thought about nothing today.

Well, not nothing of course, but nothing important. It’s been another day of speeding through distractions while responsibilities which need more immediate attention are ignored. Perhaps I need to stop letting that trouble me: It only makes me bury my head deeper.

At the moment, I feel a little spaced out. I can’t remember what day it is and time is making no sense. Today I gave Caspar lunch at 3pm. I don’t normally do that. If he’d been hungry he would’ve let me know, he would’ve stood at the refrigerator pointing or opened the cupboard and brought me a box of crackers, so I don’t feel guilty about it. Or, not much. I just feel something a little bit like tension, and a little bit like floating. I am disoriented.

Because I’ve had so many things going on, at least in cyberspace, I haven’t really stopped to see where my head is at. Who has time to do that anyway? That was what the counselling appointments were supposed to be for; one hour every couple of weeks away from my responsibilities with no one to think about but myself.

Except those counselling appointments never eventuated.

The day I was supposed to have the second one someone called to say that Counsel was ill and that she would call me tomorrow to reschedule. But no one called. And no one called the day after that or the day after that. It’s been six weeks now. The obvious question, of course, is Why didn’t I just call them? I don’t have an answer.

I’ve gone through a range of emotions about it, at low volume so that it’s only background noise and not screaming: Disappointment, especially after the optimism of the first visit, and a childlike sense of betrayal. Anger too, I guess, but anger isn’t something I understand very well. I’m not good at it. I’m uncomfortable with it.

Thinking about it now (Yes, I’m thinking. Would that I weren’t.) the strongest feeling is one that has coloured much of my life; that Orphan feeling which reveals itself as either, Why does no one ever take care of me?, or, I am an island.

I am an island.

Perhaps it’s an issue of trust. It’s not that I’m not a trusting person, I mean, the kind of person who is afraid, who doesn’t put themselves out there, who protects themselves at all costs from dangers unknown. I’m not like that. I’m brave, and daring and lay everything on the line. But underneath whatever risks I take with my thoughts or with my feelings or with my Self, being open about who I am and where I’m at, I think there is an expectation of disappointment which has too often been met. An expectation that regardless of how I value myself, my value won’t be recognised, or appreciated, or even acknowledged.

After a numb day, many numb days, writing this is bringing tears to my ears. Because what I’ve written might sound like the words of a petulant teenager but it feels so very true. I am far from being a cynic. In truth, I am a humanist, an idealist. But I am not hopeful.

I dive into life on principal because I think that’s the way we should live, that losing out on experiences because of fear or missing connections because of vulnerability is too great a cost to pay. Because the attempt, if not the chance, will always be worth more than the pain. I stand by that. I believe it’s true. But right now, what am I thinking?

I’m thinking perhaps the principal isn’t enough. I’m thinking that the failing in me is a lack of hope.

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Dec 13 2007

The only good thing about Facebook…

Tag: In a dark wood, wandering...cerebralmum @ 12:31 pm

Tomorrow, Caspar and I are going to visit an old friend I lost contact with years and years ago. Finding her, and others like her, is the only reason I maintain an account at Facebook which I otherwise would have no patience for, which, in fact, I actively dislike. In the last few weeks I have reconnected with a number of people who had disappeared from my life, both through Facebook and through The Cerebral Mum; childhood friends from Myrtleford and people I hung out with during my university days. Not a plethora of them, but the one’s I actually cared about.

I could write a tract on all the things I loathe about Facebook but while I think it’s a terribly shallow way to interact with cyber-friends, it is a useful directory for reconnecting with the real life ones you’ve lost track of. Given how denuded of people my world is, and that I have nobody who shares my nothings, I have to give some credit where credit is due.

Of course, visiting still isn’t easy. There is distance, and there is depression. I have cancelled 2 weeks in a row. But tomorrow, I am just going. In fact, I’m going tonight, sleeping over at my cousin’s in town because it will make the journey easier in the morning; less daunting, less exhausting and less avoidable.

I now have a deadline to get myself ready and get out of this house and there can be no more delays. I am not letting myself worry about going out when the house is a disaster area, or that the clothes I want myself and Caspar to wear are in the wash, or that I should pluck my eyebrows and straighten my hair, and try desperately to remove the stains from Caspar’s stroller liner.

Because, really, Ms. S is not going to give a shit what my hair looks like or think I am pathetic if Caspar looks like a messy boy instead of a glossy advertisement for the perfect mother. Ms. S has a little boy herself so she’ll know the truth of it anyway and we would never have been friends if she was the kind of person who judged others on those terms. I don’t care about those things myself so I am ignoring that voice that wants me to be ashamed of myself and I’m just going.

Even if I am a walking disaster area.

So, I have a lot of organising to do to pack a bag for an overnight stay. But thanks, Facebook, for getting me out into the real world again, in spite of the fact that your cyber-world sucks.

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Dec 11 2007

And now back to miserable… or not…

Tag: In a dark wood, wandering...cerebralmum @ 10:47 pm

I have had hellish days this week.  Truly dreadful ones, and the worst of it seems to ebb and flow like a tide.  I am so grateful that somewhere way back in the recesses of my mind there is a tiny voice that tells me the things that I am feeling are not real, or not rational, or not forever. Or whatever.

Because there have been hours this week when I literally wished I was dead.  When I understood how people could be moved to disappear from the face of the earth. As awful as that feeling is, all the longing to just be gone, or injure myself, or…, there is a line somewhere in me that has been drawn and and I trust that those feelings do not have the power to hurt me.  To drive me to hurt me.

That’s something.

In fact, that’s a big something.  It doesn’t fix this problem, or any of the logistical problems of my life at the moment that leave me not just feeling trapped, but actually being trapped. But it’s a sign of some resilience.

And I can’t figure out what to do right now, with this blog.  I want so much to make it a good one, but I’m all over the place and I cannot give it a coherent voice. Part of me wants to remove that little blurb in the sidebar and breeze through it as though nothing is going on under the surface. If I did, though, I would immediately feel out of control.

Another part of me feels as though that blurb is belied when I write about practical or trivial or abstract things.  But I can’t help that I guess.  So it is what it is.

If where I am right now breaks what I am trying to build, I’ll just have to build it again.

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