June 17th, 2008 §
Honestly. I’m drawing a blank.
Why is it when I’m away from the blog for a while, I feel like I need to post everyday kind of news and “catch up” rather than just write about something more important or interesting to me? There are many things I’ve been thinking about lately – you know, the meaning of life and all that – but I feel like I need to ease back in. Perhaps it has something to do with connection and relating. Because most often it is those we share the mundane parts of our lives with who matter the most, and it is the people we share that with who care about our more difficult thoughts.
Isn’t it? Maybe. I really have no idea.
The problem is… I am terrible at small talk. The fact that I call it small talk is a probably a problem in itself. I don’t have any idea what to say. Nothing seems pressing enough for words and when time has lapsed, “catching up” is a strain. For me, anyway.
I have friends who can draw out the minutiae of life from the postman. Friends who remember little things and make them significant. Who make the minutiae of other people’s lives significant. It’s a social skill I admire and one I lack entirely. In some ways, this is probably due to a certain kind of selfishness or vanity or… whatever. I guess it’s that artistic arrogance I talked about once. I would probably feel worse about it if my own lack of social skill wasn’t balanced by a lack of expectation of it in others.
I’ve never minded if people don’t call me regularly or remember my birthday. Hell, I’d forget my own birthday if other people didn’t remind me. Half the time I couldn’t tell you what month it is. But everyone has their limits, I guess, and there are friends who have gone MIA when I’ve forgotten the way this social stuff works. Friends who have minded when I haven’t called.
My guess is that a blog is kind of the same. That readers are the same as friends, and some people’s ropes are longer than other’s.
Right now, in real life, I probably have some repair work to do on a couple of relationships that I do value because I have been MIA myself for a long time. There are calls to make and questions to ask. And I’m terrible at asking other people questions about their lives. Mostly, I just appear unexpectedly and assume that things will be the same. That isn’t always the case.
But I also have friends who know exactly how selfish useless I am and love me anyway so I guess it is all okay.
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April 16th, 2008 §
Often the trackback goes unacknowledged, and I’m not known for staying on top of these sorts of things, so this post is simply to say thanks to all those who have linked to my posts during the first quarter of 2008. Well, all those that I am aware of anyway.
So here it is…
Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.
xx cerebralmum
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March 11th, 2008 §
So, I’ve spent the last two days in bed unwell and miserable. Yesterday, (Shock! Horror!) I didn’t even turn my computer on. But I’m getting better and here I am again, thinking of all the things that I haven’t done. Is one ever able to catch up? Anyway…
On Saturday, Big Sis’ favourite cat (her baby) was hit by a car. Our neighbour came and knocked on the door. She’d seen him slam into the gutter and then dash off only to make it as far as the neighbour’s garden bed. So there he was, lying in the bark, Big Sis too upset to hear what the women were telling her about what had happened, while B and I organised blankets and a basket to take him to the vet. He spent the weekend in ‘emergency’ and was just transferred to the regular vet today but we’re still not sure how he is. It looks like one eye is gone and but the scans haven’t shown anything too frightening.
They are a little worried about brain damage but he seems to be responsive when Big Sis has visited so that’s promising. To be honest, I’m not sure what the vets can do at this point except wait and see how he improves so perhaps we’ll be able to bring him home tomorrow. He has peed, so his kidneys seem to be okay but he’s still being fed with a syringe. I just don’t know how Big Sis will be if he doesn’t make it.
But on to other, nicer news… I didn’t tell you about my first philosophy lecture last week.
I walked in to the “small” lecture hall which held only about 150 people and heard this booming “No way!” coming from the centre of the seating and looked up to see one of my ‘babies’ unfolding his 6′ frame from his chair and waving at me. I say ‘baby’ because when I was cocktail waitressing, I had my ‘baby boys’ (19-22 year old bartenders) whom I adored and who adored me in return.
This particular one was my favourite and when I changed jobs, I took him with me. But I’ve been out of the game for a while now and hadn’t seen him in ages. Even though I knew he’d attended the same university, I thought he graduated last year but apparently he had broken his wrist and then got a Staph infection so with his hospital stay and his inability to hold a camera (he’s a photography major) there he was…
Which means I have a friend at university!
Of course, he’s not entirely a baby any more, and I’m a little older and a little more faded and flabby, so his company isn’t the vanity-food it once was, but it’s nice to have someone to sit with in the sun between lectures and also to get a lift to the train station after class, removing 2 parts of my 4 part trip to home. (Tram, tram, train, bus. Grrr.)
And it’s even better to have someone to argue with about morality and and objectivism and relativism (the subject of today’s philosophy lecture) because that’s the kind of conversation philosophy and I are all about.
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February 6th, 2008 §
I looked at the date today. Did you know that it was February already? It’s less than two weeks to my birthday so…
This is my wish list…
(Otherwise known as the things I really want that nobody will buy for me.)
Photo Credit: Hugo90 |
I Need Wheels
I really do need a car. You know, so I could have a life. I don’t have high standards. Small and cute will do. I’m kind of kitsch and like old things. Maybe a Hillman like my mother had.
Oh, and look, there’s one for sale. It’s got a Roadworthy Certificate. And even better than the RWC, it’s got red leather seats. Now that is a perfect gift! Do you love me $4,500… |
Available from: vaginaisforlovers.com |
I Love This T-Shirt!
I discovered it when I first started blogging and it has since been made available to buy. It’s not as expensive as the car, but it would make me really, really happy! And I know my mother isn’t going to buy it for me. Mother’s are strange that way. And yes, I want the pink one!
(PS: If nobody buys me this brilliant present, I’ll continue waiting anxiously for the day I can afford it for myself.) |
Designed by Jun Takashi |
If I Only Had A Brain (Bag)
Could you think of a better gift for a Cerebral Mum? Apparently the cool people discovered it at Boing Boing, but I never said I was cool. Actually, I think my source (Neurophilosophy) has far more caché.
Unfortunately, nobody can buy this for me because only one was made. But it’s hand knitted so a particularly crafty admirer might be able to replicate it. |
Available from: Amazon |
The 7 Inches
The Asus Eee 2G Surf 7″ Yes, it’s tiny but oh, so adorable. It’s memory and RAM isn’t exactly gigantic either, but it would be fantastic now that I’m a student again. I could sit in the university cafe, sipping my macchiato, organising my notes and writing my essays.
And the price is so plausible. Who thought you could by a laptop for $303.92? |
Available from: Made With Molecules |
Molecular Bling
I’m depressed, remember? I could use a little chemical help. That’s what it is, by the way: The molecular structure of serotonin.
I love all the jewellery from Made With Molecules and they come gorgeously boxed with a little explanation.
There’s some for chocolate, caffeine, and even oestrogen. Isn’t bling better that HRT? |
Of course, I shouldn’t be greedy because I’ve already received 2 gifts, courtesy of Leigh at All For Women who crunches the numbers and maintains the Top 100 Australian Women’s Blogs list. Thank you, Leigh!
And Happy Birthday to Me! (Almost)
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January 21st, 2008 §
I had a girlfriend over for the weekend, which rocked, and we went out to Direct Factory Outlets shopping, as girls do. I got a lovely dress as a very early birthday present.
Yup. That’s the end of this post. I’ve got to get everything sorted for enrolment tomorrow. It will probably be about a 5 hour round trip and enrolment will take around 3. I’m taking Cas, so it will require some organising to be up and out of here when we need to be.
But it’s Monday, anyway. You’re only here so you can look upon the most amazing person in the history of the universe, right? Oh, that’s my friend with him. She’s pretty cool too.
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December 17th, 2007 §
When the time to leave was nearing some of the usual panic set in. I scrabbled around trying to tidy up a little and trying to make sure I had everything I needed. Those voices just wouldn’t shut up; the ones that say everything needs to be perfect before I can do anything for myself, the ones that make me feel guilty for not crossing more things off the lists in my head. In the end I just left, Caspar’s bag well stocked and me without a jacket.
Ms. S, who I would be visiting on Friday, lives on the other side of the city, not far out but far enough to make it a daunting journey. My cousin lives in Elwood, not far from the suburbs I love living in and will hopefully be living in again soon.
Melbourne, in terms of size, is a massive city. The area it covers is roughly equivalent to urban New York but in comparison to New York’s 18.5 million inhabitants, Melbourne is home to only 3.5 million. Here, with so much distance between people, we rely heavily on our cars. And I don’t have one. Public transport is great if you live within the tram network but outside of that, you’re pretty much on your own.
By car it would have taken me 40 minutes at most to get to my cousin’s apartment. By bus, then train, then another train, it took me 2 ½ hours. That means a 5 hour round trip with a toddler in tow just to have a cup of coffee with my friends. It’s not feasible. This, along with my previous working life, goes some way to mitigating my sense of guilt about the way my friendships have dissipated over the years I have lived out here in this suburban wasteland. Now, with my limited energy and depressive exhaustion, at the very least I can be proud that I went anyway.
By the time I arrived, my cousin had gone out for the evening and I was too tired to go across the road and have some dinner at one of the many cafés. Caspar had fallen into a deep sleep anyway, not even waking when I took him from the pram and tucked him into bed, so I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but watch a television 4 times the size of my own and wait until my cousin came home or I felt the need to go to bed myself. Unsurprisingly, sleep wasn’t on the cards so I waited, studiously ignoring the voices which made me feel abandoned and alone and unloved.
My cousin arrived at about 11:30pm and I got Caspar up to see him and we had a long talk about where my life was at. It was then that my cousin told me to stay the weekend, to have a little bit of the life that I want for Caspar and me before travelling back to the suburb I feel so trapped in, both physically and mentally. And then I slept.
Well, I think.
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December 13th, 2007 §
Tomorrow, Caspar and I are going to visit an old friend I lost contact with years and years ago. Finding her, and others like her, is the only reason I maintain an account at Facebook which I otherwise would have no patience for, which, in fact, I actively dislike. In the last few weeks I have reconnected with a number of people who had disappeared from my life, both through Facebook and through The Cerebral Mum; childhood friends from Myrtleford and people I hung out with during my university days. Not a plethora of them, but the one’s I actually cared about.
I could write a tract on all the things I loathe about Facebook but while I think it’s a terribly shallow way to interact with cyber-friends, it is a useful directory for reconnecting with the real life ones you’ve lost track of. Given how denuded of people my world is, and that I have nobody who shares my nothings, I have to give some credit where credit is due.
Of course, visiting still isn’t easy. There is distance, and there is depression. I have cancelled 2 weeks in a row. But tomorrow, I am just going. In fact, I’m going tonight, sleeping over at my cousin’s in town because it will make the journey easier in the morning; less daunting, less exhausting and less avoidable.
I now have a deadline to get myself ready and get out of this house and there can be no more delays. I am not letting myself worry about going out when the house is a disaster area, or that the clothes I want myself and Caspar to wear are in the wash, or that I should pluck my eyebrows and straighten my hair, and try desperately to remove the stains from Caspar’s stroller liner.
Because, really, Ms. S is not going to give a shit what my hair looks like or think I am pathetic if Caspar looks like a messy boy instead of a glossy advertisement for the perfect mother. Ms. S has a little boy herself so she’ll know the truth of it anyway and we would never have been friends if she was the kind of person who judged others on those terms. I don’t care about those things myself so I am ignoring that voice that wants me to be ashamed of myself and I’m just going.
Even if I am a walking disaster area.
So, I have a lot of organising to do to pack a bag for an overnight stay. But thanks, Facebook, for getting me out into the real world again, in spite of the fact that your cyber-world sucks.
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