Oct 04
Help wanted…
Before I write this post I would like to state for the record that I think motherhood is easy or, at least, the first year is anyway. So far it has been just as I expected and all those women who annoyed me while I was pregnant with tales of how I wouldn’t find time to bake muffins or sleep for the next 20 years (among other ridiculous claims) and who, when I disagreed with them, shook their heads and sighed at me as though I was delusional have been proven wrong.
I state this because although motherhood is work, the negatives get focussed on to such an extant that new mothers are virtually encouraged to be overwhelmed by the whole experience before they’re even out of the gate.
But those thoughts are worth an entire post in themselves.
Although being a mum is easy (the love you feel really does wash everything else away) there is one thing going on right now that is getting to me. And any and all advice is welcome.
Caspar has started to hit and scratch me. A lot.
This behaviour isn’t unexpected but I wasn’t expecting it quite so early and I haven’t got a handle on how to deal with it when he is only (almost) one. It’s not like I can explain what he’s done wrong and send him on a time out: He’s far too little to understand “consequences”.
The only tool I have in my arsenal is to firmly say, No!, with my serious face on which works very well when he’s touching things that he’s not allowed to touch but isn’t so effective when he’s having the 1 year old’s equivalent of a tantrum. Trying to work out what is causing the behaviour seems to be the most important thing and I do have some answers.
Teething makes him stroppy but can’t be blamed entirely. It all boils down to boredom and frustration, which is understandable as his mind races far in advance of what his limbs and hands can do but it still makes me feel a bit shite for not having taken him out anywhere at all this week. At his age there is a limit to the things I can do to amuse him at home.
Apart from making a concerted effort to find new games to play to reduce his boredom and frustration (and reminding myself not to take it personally), is there any way to handle the scratching and hitting now that will help when his assertiveness really kicks in?
(I would also like to state for the record that I remain firmly convinced of Caspar’s perfection and see this behaviour as just another sign of his brilliance and strength of character.)
October 5th, 2007 at 3:11 am
Great post..
One possible idea is to turn it around and really make over him when he doesn’t do the “bad” things. Like if he is playing with a toy and being quiet. Make a big deal of it and say, “Way to go big boy, mommy is so proud of you!!” Then hug him. Of course still say NO when needed, but equally say YES, WAY TO GO!
My daughter wasn’t a biter, but she was a cry-baby early on. We tried the technique I described and it worked. Now she is 6 and she expects me to make a big deal of not crying.. haha..
Good luck!!
October 5th, 2007 at 11:34 am
Lala,
You have forgotten! It’s Caspar’s first Bathurst this weekend isn’t it.
All Aussie males get toey around the thought of all those V8’s going hammer and tongs.
Put him front of the telly in his nappies, give him a bottle and he will be fine. Repeat this for the next fifty years. The nappies may go eventually and the contents of the bottle may change, but that’s about it.
Anything else you need?
October 5th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
My favourite psychiatrist - the one who saved my life and sanity 40 years ago - said that when a little kid is chucking a tantrum it is a sign they are feeling uncontrollable anger, and when they are in that state the emotion is so overwhelming they also fear they may explode. So the thing to do is hold them in your arms, so they can feel where their boundaries are and know they are safe. You keep on saying no, gently but firmly, and you keep holding them until the tantrum has passed. It works! You will be very disapproved of by any onlookers who think you should smack him, but who cares about them anyway? In Caspar’s case, I guess you had better hold him in such a way that his arms are pinioned to prevent scratching, and see if you can position his mouth not too close to any particularly tender parts of your person!
October 10th, 2007 at 8:10 pm
Thanks for the responses, especially you, Rob.
Very helpful advice. If only I could stand the noise of cars going around and around in circles (is Bathurst a circular car race?) all would be well.
But seriously. It’s good to be reminded to praise, praise, praise, Nathan and yes, Rosemary, making him feel secure while he learns to deal with his anger is very important.
As for onlookers, I really don’t care. Just yesterday I was in town and Caspar was not a happy chappy. To express this he mushed his banana and squirted his chocolate milk (a treat he almost never gets) all over himself. He looked a right treat, but I was already heading home. Walking out of the shopping centre back to the car, I got several dirty looks from passers by, as though I had never bathed my son in his life. It boggles my mind, the way people think.